Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Miss Spoken's State of (Her) Union Address

It's been an entire thirty seven years since I became President of my own Union. I'm sure you're thinking to yourself, Hey fuck-nut, aren't we all President of our own Unions? and to that I would declare a resounding Ummm, no.

Some people take years to become President of their own Union. You know who I'm talking about. They start their laxidasical lives as babies waiting for their mother's milk to come in instead of just nuzzling up to the lactating cat (lazy fucking newborns). These were the Junior High girls that took an F in gym class instead of paying me to forge a note in my perfectly adult-worthy longhand:

Dear Mr. Dempsey,
Please excuse my daughter, Mindy May, from P.E. class today (Monday, October 3, 1985) for she is suffering from significant cramping due to her menstrual cycle.
Thank you for your discretion and understanding,
Mrs. May

It pays to be in Honors English. At $1 a note, multiplied by a school full of bleeding girls, my self-enterprising ass could afford the new Tears For Fears album. Fuck chores, fuck allowance (Shout, shout, let it all out). I'm President of my Union and in charge of all financial matters.

Even in High School, I declared my living conditions uninhabitable and moved out. Sure I floated from friend's couch to friend's floor and maybe a night or two on the beach but, dammit, a President has to sometimes mingle amongst the homeless common folk. I also spent a couple of weeks at a Korean friend's house, surviving on Kimchi and cold rice (height: 5'10, est. weight: 12 lbs). I considered this necessary to understand foreign policies. I am now very savvy when it comes to other cultures, and not just because my mother dated a Filipino man and my father speaks in tongues (Meth tongues, that is).

Today, the State of my Union is this:

The housing crisis you might be experiencing in your Union, is relatively mild in mine. Yes, I have a landlord that is often "out of the country" and an improperly installed skylight which sometimes causes it to drizzle in my living room, but I am not living in a cardboard box under the bridge. I consider this a great success.

Employment is down. Creativity is up. Someday, maybe the two shall meet and I'll get paid for writing about vaginas and Xanax. I would like to pass a bill that allows me to be paid per usage of the word fuck as well.

Healthcare is non-existent which is why I may have to start buying Xanax from Mexico. Can you smuggle pills in a gasoline tank? It's also the reason I'm considering performing at-home pap smears.

11 comments:

Meg at the Members Lounge said...

Shit, you mean I should have been PAID for all those damn notes I wrote in high school? Don't even get me started on the papers I typed for the Gene Simmons wannabe I dated in college.

Miss Spoken said...

@Meg - My mamma always taught me never to give it away for free. I think she was referring to fraudulent notes, right?

Anonymous said...

i was never even in gym class but there was a time i needed your writing skills to represent myself to inlaws of whom i had never met. There is quite alot to be said for good penmenship. . miss led

Elly Lou said...

I think your damn nifty and all, but I still don't think I'm ready for a Miss Spoken papsmear. Just saying.

Miss Spoken said...

@Anonymous - Ladies and Fucknots, welcome Miss Led!!! And she is totally being modest because she spent HOURS ... no, DAYS trying to forge my cursive handwriting. She said my writing style was some kind of twisted cracked-out fairy but she tried and she tried and when she failed she made kick ass falafels. And there might have been some weed involved.

Love you, Miss Led!!!!

KeepingYouAwake said...

I think you've made tremendous success. I'm going not sure I can call moving from the sick-day note business into at-home papsmears a lateral move, but good for you in starting your own business!!!

Maybe you could pre-heat TV dinners for people, or sell mail-order toast? Just some more entrepreneurial ideas.

Miss Spoken said...

@KeepingYouAwake - Honors English totally qualifies me to swab cervixes at home, even yours.

Paul Wynn said...

If that was the case you'd be a entrepreneur at an early age making bucks off those girls who didn't want to go to gym class. Your blog says it all, great writing.

magda said...

at home pap smears? i am confused. was this only for you lacking health care or is it part of your business model.

i think it would be nice if you would say fuck a bit more but only after you swab KYA's cervix. i don't like when i hear people say ser-VEX. short i people. short i. as in sniff.

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

i didn't write notes to be excused from PE ... a well-timed cramp attack during warm-ups usually sufficed.

but i can appreciate your ingenuity and money-making abilities at such a tender age.

thanks for stopping by the crib and following

Wicked Shawn said...

Is it possible I am Miss Givenawayatbirth? LMAO Sometimes I wonder..........