Friday, January 29, 2010

The Whore's Head

It was 2007. He went Christmas shopping without me and came home high from his self-proclaimed success. I knew this would not bode well for me. He was prone to buy things that required allen wrenches and drills. Games with tiny pieces made from skin splitting plastic. Toys that the kids would "grow into" which means one of two things; either he had one as a kid or wanted one as a kid.

So it was no surprise when he showed me the WWF Wrestling Ring he bought for The Boy. It even came with a little plastic folding chair to ensure that his playtime included the simulated brain hemorrhaging of his opponent. It also came with enough rope for me to hang myself.

And then he showed me Boss Lady's gift:

Me: What the fuck is that?

Him: It's a Bratz doll. (His expression reads: Duhhhh)

Me: It's a whore's head. You bought our daughter a whore's head.

Him: I thought she'd like to do her hair.

Me: She has porn lips and it looks like she's been sucking dick all day.

(He looks at her lips as if he's trying to detect if I'm correct and if I am correct, maybe he'll just keep the whore's head for himself.)

Me: Are you going to buy The Boy a whore, too?

Him: Maybe. His sixteenth birthday sounds about right.

Me: Do me a favor and buy the whole whore next time. The last thing I need around here is a bunch of whore heads rolling around.

Him: Oh, I will. Gonna buy me one, too.

Me: Well, don't forget about me. Maybe we can get a family deal. Super-size our meal, so to speak.

Him: You're filthy.

Me: You're the one that bought a three year old a whore's head. And by the way, you do this all the time -- buying things that you really want and pretending it's for the kids. If you wanted a decapitated whore for Christmas, you could of just told me.

Him: Really?

Me: Really.

Him: I love you.

Me: You should.

16 comments:

Wicked Shawn said...

Oh myyyy, where to begin??? First, I just love this post!!! I love that you focus on the fresh blowjob lips, not the pushup bra tits bubbling up over her purple glittery strapless whore's dress.
I love that you point out, as I would have, he skipped purchasing whores for the two most likely individuals in the house most likely to desire one. Then, the mental imagery created by the 'bunch or whore heads rolling around' is fucking beautiful.

Mostly, I am thrilled that my house is not the only place conversations such as these take place. Living in bumfuck, KY, love of my life sometimes thinks he lives in an alternate reality.

Rebecca said...

That is so so funny and I agree about the Bratz dolls. They look like ho's!

Miss Spoken said...

@Wicked Shawn - If you've ever tripped over a whore's head (and come on, who hasn't) then you know that having more than one lying around the house is what I like to refer to as overkill.

@Rebecca - The only thing the Bratz dolls are missing are whore/porn accessories (think American Girls Gone Wild)

Anonymous said...

And now I am tearing up!

Miss Spoken said...

@Anonymous - Is that you Miss Led? Please don't cry.

Elly Lou said...

You make my sides split and my heart hurt simultaneously. I like that in a blogger.

Miss Spoken said...

@Elly Lou - I like YOU in a blogger (insert creepy stabby stalker music)

A Vapid Blonde said...

This conversation sounds like many I have had with my husband...no really, 'Babe, could you stop brining the whore's head home..just leave where you found it okay?!"

magda said...

sooooooooo that is the reason my lips look like that?

weird, i added your blog to follow on my blogroll. i didn't see my super gay avatar over here. so i added myself again.

magda said...

i think my avatar may have D.S.A.D. lips too?

Elle said...

I love this! Seriously, this had me laughing out loud. I just found your blog via P's, and so glad I did!

Bratz dolls ARE whores. There's no doubt about it. At some point they were FREAKIN' EVERYWHERE with their little slutty clothes and porno makeup. ARGH.

Puppet said...

Bratz dolls now available at your local Adult Store. Now with life like movable lips and a life like sucking sound. (No more will you have to imitate the sucking sound.) Plus you can just tell your wife it's just a doll and that sucking sound in the middle of the day is just her imagination.

Miss Spoken said...

@Vapid - Maybe we can trade whores' heads like baseball cards. I'll even throw in some stale bubble gum previously chewed by (insert randomly named whore) when she had a head .. and a moving mouth .... and a life.

@Magda - Every time I have DSAD lips I blame it on juniper berries. Fuckin' martinis ...

@Puppet - Really? You just won the 'Sucking Sound Tri Phecta!

KeepingYouAwake said...

Would it be weird if her mouth was open? I mean, for like a bottle or something? Wait... Do whore-heads take a bottle? Most importantly where can one find something like this? I have a ... friend... who would love it.

Organic Meatbag said...

severed whores' heads are all the rage nowadays...you didn't hear? It's from the bratz "Cadaver series"...

Mrsblogalot said...

LOMFL!!! This cracked me up!!!!