Thursday, February 18, 2010

I Totally Forged This Letter

Dear Innernetz,

Please excuse Miss Spoken from participating in her own blog for the past week. The reasons for her absence are o'plenty.

First and foremost, she's convinced that her uterus is evil and the cause of her inability to form complete sentences. It's why she's been trying to remove it with a soup ladle. So far, no good. So instead of that potential crime scene, she's resorted to something called positive thinking where she visualizes her uterus as a blossoming lotus flower or maybe a Georgia O'Keefe painting. I'm sure you wish her all the best and she'd thank you herself except that the positive thinking isn't working so well and her uterus still makes her say things like fuck off and fuck off some more and why the fuck are you still here when I clearly told you to fuck off.

In addition to this scornful uterus problem, her kids are already preparing for Halloween and submitting their absurd requests for costumes. The Boy has decided that he will be the Easter Bunny and Boss Lady would like to be a Vegetarian. This has resulted in many sleepless nights and increased paranoia as she ponders whether or not her kids are just fucking with her.

She's also rather anxious to see her big brother on Sunday. You see, her brother is being released from prison after doing thirteen years behind bars. That's a long time. So she's sort of going overboard with the preparations for his homecoming. Making multiple shopping lists. Multiple to-do lists. Multiple outfits to coordinate. Multiple chickens to be shoved into the freezer where they await their deep fried deaths. Instead of writing on her blog about vaginas and nineteen pound babies, she's researching jokes where the punch line doesn't involve fisting or end with a deadpanned, "I used to fuck men like you in prison." This research has taken longer than she anticipated.

Thank you for your understanding.

Signed,

Mrs. Miss Spoken





6 comments:

Mrsblogalot said...

If Boss Lady gets to be a Vegetarian I get to be Abstinent!!!

KeepingYouAwake said...

I don't know of more noble research.

Wicked Shawn said...

Dear Mrs. Miss Spoken, Please do tell Miss Spoken that those female bits can be tricky bitches at times and we do sympathize, even if we aren't fully convinced.

Tell The Boy and Boss Lady great choices and life loves some advanced planning.

Also, enjoy the dead chickens and jokes!!

Brahm said...

Ooh, niiiiiice!

Anonymous said...

Dude your kids, my god kids are fucking hilarious!!! I laughed out loud at that. A vegetarian.... dude she skills me. And the Easter Bunny.... that is so Richie.

I can not believe that Danny is getting out Sunday. We have been waiting for this day for a very long time.... Almost half my life. I love your brother. He always kept an eye out for me as well as you and Sarah.

G - you are a pillar of strength coming from what you have come from. All of the hardships and trials and tribulations have made you into one tough lady. But the rad thing is, you haven't lost your sense of humor through it all.....

I am assuming that you are going to go see Danny... Where will they be living now? Please send him my love!! And tell him I will be expecting a call at some point after he gets settled.

Talked to your sister yesterday and my other god child... and she sounded great! They both did. The Bear say's her grades are getting better, but she is really struggling in math.... but I think it is getting better. The Sister seems to be doing good as well....

Ok then.... Love you call me or something.

Stacey

Elly Lou said...

Ok are you ready? I have a clean joke. ONE clean joke.

There are two muffins in the oven. (Shit that sounds dirty but I swear it isn't. Maybe we should say cupcakes. Is that better?) And the first cupcake says to the second cupcake, "Phew! Is it getting hot in here or is it just me?" The second cupcake screams, "Oh MY GOD A TALKING CUPCAKE!" (No, it really does sound better with muffin. I tried.)

You probably shouldn't do what I do every time I say goodbye to my little brother...shout after him, "Good luck beating that rape charge!" Just saying...