Friday, September 25, 2009

Vaginas, Mummies and 19 Pound Newborns

Every mother has a birthing story and for some reason many of them desperately want to share that experience with friends, relatives and total strangers. They have some kind of primitive need to give the play-by-play, discuss the narcotics they screamed for or didn't scream for. They want to get all chatty about weight and length and shoulder width and cranial circumferences. They want to talk about feelings and how the heavens sang and ice caps melted and Jupiter aligned with Mars when little Emma Isabella or Jacob Michael finally graced the world with their presence.


Unless some senile doctor high on Oxycontin used medieval forceps to suck Precious from your uterus (and let's see the temporal dents and learning disabilities to prove it) or you accomplished a four-way tear through your clitoris, urethra, labia and anal muscle, then I don't want to hear about it.

And I don't want to see pictures. 

And I don't care how much Precious weighed unless it's this sideshow act bundle of love and butterflies and sunshine:

HolyBankruptedByBabies! This newborn tips the freight scales at almost 20 pounds. Kinda makes bragging about your little 8 pounder seem rather lame now, doesn't it? Too bad it was a C-section (cheater!). I did a bit o'research though and discovered that once upon a time in a vagina far, far away... a woman did deliver a 15 pound baby vaginally. Today her Goodness looks a little like this:

But 20 pounds is nothing to shrug at. Know what else weighs 20 pounds? Meet Sylvia:

Isn't she pretty? Sylvia is a desiccated mummy who was found in a cave in Central America but now resides in Ye Olde Curiosity Shop. Also weighing in at 20 pounds --  an $8 watermelon, about 4,000 quarters, an adult giraffe's heart (gratuitous useless fact) and your average marching band snare drum.

Yeah, try hauling that around while it's clutched on to your nipple like a ravenous mountain gorilla and tell me if it hurts.


Anonymous said...

Dude you are sooo funny. "A vagina in a land far, far away!"

I was thinking the other day... When I have a kid, will I be that person who is going to think that my kid is the coolest thing around? Am I gonna be posting pics of it on all of my social networking sites and talking about it all the time to anyone and everyone? Giving precious information about my child to people WHO DO NOT GIVE A FUCK! Oh God, I sure hope not!!!!

Because in fact, I don't give a shit to see pics of anyone's baby... Especially if I barely know that person. I say, "Keep it to yourself". Your kid is just another person like anyone else, just cuz it's little and your's doesn't make it anymore awesome or cute. Let us meet your child ourselves so that we can form our own opinions as to whether or not your kid is awesome. Speaking from experience, most people suck. So....hmmmm.....just sayin.

The only kids pictures I want to see are of my God Kids and anyone that is either Directly Related to me or is a Really Good Friend of mine. You know who you are! And PEOPLE PLEASE..... Stop creating a facebook / twitter profile for your 1 year old. That is exploitation at it's finest! And FYI, Most people do not give a fuck... When you are posting little namke pictures of your 1 year old in it's diapers, all your are doing is attracting sexual predators.

That is all I have to say about that.....

OH and a 19 pound baby is just freakish. What the fuck, is that baby gonna be the next Shaq? Wouldn't be awesome if it turned out to be a "little person" born at it's full size! Now that would be a story I would want to read!

Love - Auntie Stacey

Miss Spoken said...

I actually am not too Facebook savvy so I had no idea people were making profiles and pages for their kids. That's not only crazy but an invitation for Trouble (see ... that's trouble with a capital T as in oops, why are pics of my toddler being traded by pedophiles like babseball cards.)