Miss Spoken Hearts Chardonnay. 4-Ever.
Today is the day.
Today is the day I woke up with just fifteen minutes to feed, dress and drive two kids to school.
Today is the day I wash my hair with a handful of conditioner.
Today is the day I help Whore Mouth (aka Mom) move out so that Legal (aka Daughter) can move back in.
Today is the day I dream about a time when I will live alone. A day when there won't be one fucking chicken finger/nugget/tender in my freezer and I won't ever have to walk down the cereal aisle again. A day when I won't have to say things like, "What is this brown stuff dripping on the wall," or, "Please try to piss inside the toilet, not around it or above it or behind it."
Today is the day Legal will receive notice from her bank that, although her account has been active for less than two weeks, and although her overdraft was just $10, she has accrued $105 in overdraft charges.
Today is the day I will urge Legal to call her former employer and apologize for being an idiot.
Today is the day that she will not do it.
Today is the day every single kid within a one mile radius (total exaggeration) will play inside my garage and pull out every football, remote control car, basketball hoop, soccer ball, bubble blower, frisbee, doll and hula hoop (total non-exaggeration). With the exception of Miss Perceived, no other parent will supervise. One kid will crap his pants and will require escorting back to his home. This same kid will also try to drink power steering fluid. This cycle will repeat itself tomorrow. And the day after.
(Pausing to hug myself and rock back and forth)
But today is also the day that I will wash my sheets and fall in love with my bed again.
And today is also the day I will feed my children pizza and feed myself cold Chardonnay.
(Dear Chardonnay, I love you. For reals.)
And today is also the day that the little blue pills will arrive in the mail.
Today is a beautiful day.
Note to reader: 'Today' may have happened over the course of several days but for the purpose of expressing my extreme cuckooness, I've consolidated them into one. Plus, one day simply blurs into the next so fuck it.