Black Friday: Also Known as Take Your Gun to the Mall Day

For those who were too afraid to ask and also don't care, Miss Spoken had a splendid Thanksgiving.

Yes, she had a cold but applied therapeutic Mimosas. This was followed by a healthy dose of Chardonnay. Miss Spoken doesn't have the luxury of health insurance so she treats everything with Chardonnay and Voodoo. Sometimes vodka. Ya'll need a prescription you just let her know. She's a giver.

But here's where things do a bit of a nose dive:  Miss Spoken, her mother and Her Gay decided to do the whole Black Friday thing.

Miss Spoken had no business getting up at 2:30 in the morning ... but she did. She had no business leaving the house decaffeinated but Legal broke her promise to pre-set the coffee, thereby forfeiting all rights to receive gifts wrapped in pretty paper. 

So it was that Miss Spoken found herself in the abyss that is Old Navy at 3:15 AM, with no coffee and a line that wrapped the entire square footage of the store. She stood in that line for an hour and a half. Translation:  For 90 minutes, Miss Spoken had to resist the urge to punch the little Asian chick in front of her who insisted on confiscating a plastic chair from the dressing room and dragging it under her size zero ass. She also refrained from hurting the woman who decided to bring of all things ... a stroller and a fucking baby. Really? You brought a baby to Armageddon? In a fucking stroller?

Then came Wal*Mart.

[Did you hear that? That's the sound of somebody's mind splintering]

Then came Toys R Us.

[Did you hear that? That's the sound of somebody re-loading]

Miss Spoken thinks she learned a valuable lesson, Innerneterz. Unless you're actually in the market to buy a plasma screen for Christmas, stay the hell home. And Johnny Boy, if you're reading this (and you damned well better be), next year when Miss Spoken tells you that's she's going to get up at 2:30 to drop kick somebody for the last fleece pullover, you remind her of this post and how much better her life will be if she just stays home and has a Bloody Mary. Just like her witch doctor prescribed.