I Totally Shredded My Cheese!

Guess what guys? Mother Nature totally reads my blog!

She must be one of those anonymous followers that are too embarrassed to follow me publicly. Maybe I'm her guilty pleasure. I'm her Flava of Love. Her Pour Some Sugar On Me. 

Here's proof.

Remember when I posted about missing my City by the Bay and the thick fog and how I wasn't sure how to handle this Winter offensive? Well, she must have read it because the next day, she made sure to deliver me a bit o'sunshine. Just enough to make the trees start to drip their winter coat. Just enough to turn driveways into slush puddles and to streak the sidewalks with little rivers of melted powder. But then she must have gotten a phone call or something because that night, she let the temperature drop and all that melted snow and slush turned into ice. Lots of ice. So that when I went to hide wine bottles in the garbage outside take out the trash, my slippered feet touched down on one of these Devil's Slides and I was soon airborne. Not to worry Innernetterz, my tailbone totally absorbed the shock of the fall. A bit dumbstruck, I laid there for a second or two, looking up at the sky and saying to myself, "Fuckallhell. I totally just shredded my cheese."

Maybe Mother Nature felt bad about my ass-landing because the next day she delivered me some fog. Lots of fog. But like a backhanded compliment ("You're pretty ... all things considered"), the bitch delivered it frozen.

The fuck is frozen fog?

Technically speaking, frozen fog is fog composed of minute ice crystals. They just hang there, midair. Suspended. Untechnically speaking, it's kind of like looking at something beautiful through dirty contact lenses. Kind of like this:

So the normal ten minute walk to school took more like 30 minutes because (a) I broke my ass the night before and (b) because what was once sidewalks and streets was now one huge ice skating rink/death trap and (c) because I had my mother with me who is only 55 but is petrified of falling and breaking her hip even though I assure her she can still fry chicken with a broken hip. In fact at one point, she considers getting on her hands and knees and crawling. It's not that I haven't seen her do this before. There was that one time when I was little and couldn't sleep and walked into her bedroom unannounced.

[Shudder]

To this day I blame her for my nearsightedness.