Saturday, May 29, 2010

Today Is the Day (even though Today happened days ago)

Miss Spoken Hearts Chardonnay. 4-Ever.

Today is the day.

Today is the day I woke up with just fifteen minutes to feed, dress and drive two kids to school.

Today is the day I wash my hair with a handful of conditioner.

Today is the day I help Whore Mouth (aka Mom) move out so that Legal (aka Daughter) can move back in.

Today is the day I dream about a time when I will live alone. A day when there won't be one fucking chicken finger/nugget/tender in my freezer and I won't ever have to walk down the cereal aisle again. A day when I won't have to say things like, "What is this brown stuff dripping on the wall," or, "Please try to piss inside the toilet, not around it or above it or behind it."

Today is the day Legal will receive notice from her bank that, although her account has been active for less than two weeks, and although her overdraft was just $10, she has accrued $105 in overdraft charges.

Today is the day I will urge Legal to call her former employer and apologize for being an idiot.

Today is the day that she will not do it.

Today is the day every single kid within a one mile radius (total exaggeration) will play inside my garage and pull out every football, remote control car, basketball hoop, soccer ball, bubble blower, frisbee, doll and hula hoop (total non-exaggeration). With the exception of Miss Perceived, no other parent will supervise. One kid will crap his pants and will require escorting back to his home. This same kid will also try to drink power steering fluid. This cycle will repeat itself tomorrow. And the day after.

(Pausing to hug myself and rock back and forth)

But today is also the day that I will wash my sheets and fall in love with my bed again.

And today is also the day I will feed my children pizza and feed myself cold Chardonnay.

(Dear Chardonnay, I love you. For reals.)

And today is also the day that the little blue pills will arrive in the mail.


Today is a beautiful day.

Note to reader: 'Today' may have happened over the course of several days but for the purpose of expressing my extreme cuckooness, I've consolidated them into one. Plus, one day simply blurs into the next so fuck it.


Elly Lou said...

Today is the day I give you a big squishy hug filled with promises of pedicures and bon bons and super soft tee-shirts and purring kittens and sparkly vampires and val kilmer and josh wheedon shows and nina simone songs and warm falling rain and well chilled cocktails that don't leave water rings and whatever other yummy thing you can imagine.

Alexis AKA MOM said...

XOXO ~ Hugs coming your way! I say curl up with that glass of wine you deserve it!

Wicked Shawn said...

Damn, girlfriend! Maybe it's time to start slipping the blue pills in the juice and handing them out to all of those kids in the garage, then sliding in a nice bubbly tub with the wine, straight from the bottle. Then slide between those fresh sheets and breathe a sigh of relief.

Miss Spoken said...

@Elly Lou - You could just send me that wooden butt plug/figurine you found on Etsy. I promise I won't do anything nefarious with it (except chuck it at the soft skull of that kid the next time he craps himself in my garage.)

@Alexis - Thanks, hugs are great. Especially when they come with a morphine drip. Just sayin' ...

@Wicked- Brilliant plan. I'll call you from the Women's Prison and let you know how it all worked out.

Mrsblogalot said...

I know you're all into your Chard right now (and rightfully so) and may (if you're lucky) be seeing blurry but man ..."today" has never been funnier.

Not that drinking power steering fluid is funny of course...and plus it doesn't even give you a buzz.

pattypunker said...

i can't even tell you the last time i changed my sheets so yes it is such a pleasure to get into bed with them when i do. but i can tell you that i never miss a day with with the cold chard or a delivery of blue pills. and they never get old.

ps: i love your brand cuckooness.

Anonymous said...

I think the kid drinking steering fluid is getting diareah from it! Just sayin.

You are the best mom ever.... I know you are gritting your teeth and crazily laughing through them as i say that.... but I am truly proud of you Mama!

Auntie Stacey

Brutalism said...

The important thing is that you are feeding the kids pizza and yourself chardonnay while at the dinner table together. Sitting down for a family meal/self-medication is what keeps families together, you know.

More drugs and more hugs, as I always say.

Eternally Distracted said...

Today is the day that it's been forever since we heard from you... come back!