It was your average morning here at The House That Miss Spoken Built. The Boy was consuming his first round of sugar for the day, Boss Lady was eating cereal and contemplating the five day weather forecast and I was busy trying to mainline coffee while packing lunches and pulling clothes from the dryer.
Until Boss Lady said something that sounded like the word "vagina."
"What did you just say?"
**Blink. Blink. Blow curl out of my eye.**
"Huh? Say it again."
**Squinting my eyes, sure that my five year old is just fucking with me. Sip coffee. Act normal.**
"One more time ..."
"Why are you talking about vaginas to your brother?"
"Because it's a tribe of people in Africa."
**Coffee slips from my lips straight down my shirt. Fuck.**
"Who told you that? Somebody at school?"
"No, my brain told me."
"Well, your brain is wrong because there is no such thing as a Vagina Tribe in Africa or any other place."
"Yes there is, Mom."
"No. A vagina is where you pee from. Your lady parts. Boys have penises, girls have vaginas. I of course have fine china."
**Tilts her head to the side, looks at me and considers how stupid I may or may not be.**
"Not China, Mom .... Africa. Duh."
In Anything-But-Vagina related news, today is My Gay's 26th birthday! That makes him a whopping 33 in gay years. Tonight we'll be celebrating at Reno's finest gay bar which means I should really finish vagazzling my African Tribe.
Happy Birthday, Mark!!! Here's hoping you don't puke on your shoes tonight!!