Friday, September 3, 2010

The Elusive Vagina Tribe of Africa


It was your average morning here at The House That Miss Spoken Built. The Boy was consuming his first round of sugar for the day, Boss Lady was eating cereal and contemplating the five day weather forecast and I was busy trying to mainline coffee while packing lunches and pulling clothes from the dryer.

Very typical.

Until Boss Lady said something that sounded like the word "vagina."

"What did you just say?"

"Vagina."

**Blink. Blink. Blow curl out of my eye.**

"Huh? Say it again."

"Vagina."

**Squinting my eyes, sure that my five year old is just fucking with me. Sip coffee. Act normal.**

"One more time ..."

"Vaaaagiiiinnnnnaaaa."

"Why are you talking about vaginas to your brother?"

"Because it's a tribe of people in Africa."

**Coffee slips from my lips straight down my shirt. Fuck.**

"Who told you that? Somebody at school?"

"No, my brain told me."

"Well, your brain is wrong because there is no such thing as a Vagina Tribe in Africa or any other place."

"Yes there is, Mom."

"No. A vagina is where you pee from. Your lady parts. Boys have penises, girls have vaginas. I of course have fine china."

**Tilts her head to the side, looks at me and considers how stupid I may or may not be.**

"Not China, Mom .... Africa. Duh."

In Anything-But-Vagina related news, today is My Gay's 26th birthday! That makes him a whopping 33 in gay years. Tonight we'll be celebrating at Reno's finest gay bar which means I should really finish vagazzling my African Tribe.

Happy Birthday, Mark!!! Here's hoping you don't puke on your shoes tonight!!

6 comments:

Elly Lou said...

Here's hoping you can hold your liquor better than you can hold your coffee. At least one of those sets of lips you have should be able to hold things in...

SisterMerryHellish said...

Holy Moses! Can you blame a tribe of vanginas for being elusive after seeing that picture?! OUCH!

Brutalism said...

A picture is worth a thousand words. In this case, all of them are, "Sweet Jesus."

Wicked Shawn said...

Nope, I Googled it! No Vagina related tribes in Africa. Although, did you know that one tribe in Africa uses the teeth of a ....oh nevermind. Why the hell did I Google that?

pattypunker said...

if i had an african tribe, i'd definitely get a brazilian. there will be no afro's around the lady bits. just sayin.

also i want a gay. my real life girlfriends have been falling short, some being too uptight and judgy mcjudgintons and others being too busy with their kids and fitness regimen. get me a gay, damnit! one that schedules boot shopping and cocktails.

happy birthday mark wherever/whoever you are!!! let me know if you need more GFs.

Mrsblogalot said...

OMG! That picture just set vaginas back thousands of years.

Eeek!!!