Black Satin Shoes Review & Giveaway (CLOSED)

Ladies .... go slip into your favorite cashmere sweater and gloss those lips. Now slink on over to the Etsy shop, Black Satin Shoes, and tell me if the song I Enjoy Being a Girl doesn't play in your mind for the rest of the day.

Owner, Chante Magpusao, has a self-described obsession with ribbons and bows and has channeled this love into an impressive collection of headbands, hair pins, jewelry and more. Her work has vintage charm yet is decidedly modern. Some of my top picks are the Black Rose Headband, Feather Headband, Zebra Bow Pins and her ingenious Zipper Flower Ring.

This Kilt Pin ($10) came to me neatly packaged, confection-like, in a white box wrapped in pale pink ribbon. The piece itself is made extremely well; the findings are secure, the charms are perfectly weighted and there isn't a spot of glue visible (my personal pet peeve). The best part however is that bow! The bow is handmade (we're talking about actual stitching here, people) from an almost sheer black and white striped fabric and it gives this piece a bit of an edge .... turns it into something current and chic.

Black Satin Shoes is so reasonably priced ($1.25 on the low end; $17.50 on the high end), you can afford to indulge the girl in you. And until June 21, you can afford to indulge a lot. All purchases made before June 21 will receive 25% off of the total order. Simply mention The All You Review when placing your order and Chante will take care of the rest.

WIN IT!

Black Satin Shoes is generously sponsoring a giveaway with not one, but TWO pieces from her fabulous shop.

Kilt Pin ($10)

Pink Bow Stud Earrings ($6)

Main Entry

• Go to Black Satin Shoes.  Browse through her shop, pick your favorite item (other than the giveaway items) and then come back here and leave a comment or paste the link.
• If your email is not publicly available, please post it in your entry so that I can reach you in the event that you win.
  

Extra Entries (leave a separate comment for each extra credit)

• Follow or become a follower of the The All You Review (link on right sidebar)
• Make a purchase from Black Satin Shoes before midnight, June 21
• Blog about this giveaway. Leave link for verification.

Contest ends midnight, June 21 (Pacific)

Open to US mailing addresses only

Winner chosen using a Random Number Generator

Winner will be contacted by email and must claim their prize within 48 hours

What's Funnier Than Food Poisoning? Almost Everything

Your girl here has been in a funk as of late. I think the roots to this particular blue period can be traced back to the day Max graduated Kindergarten. That was a week ago. I also happened to look at the calendar and noticed that the 10-month anniversary of Seltar's passing falls on Father's Day. That's just super.

So after spending an unspecified number of days in self-imposed confinement, I decided enough was enough. It was time to crawl off of my cross, make my face less scary and do a little retail therapy with the lady I call Mom.  I even sprang for a nice lunch and even nicer, two rounds of Chardonnay.

Everything was going fine.

That is until I realized that something wasn't quite right with me. I noticed that every time I thought about what I ate, I had a not so fun bodily reaction. Palms sweating. Mouth salivating. Shudder. Ugh, food poisoning! Damn it! And even though I want to, I won't disgust you with the details of what it feels like to vomit previously eaten fish and undigested Thai salad.

In fact, I've probably already said too much. 

And because the Universe thinks I'm a good sport and can take a joke, my neighborhood suffered a blackout. Thankfully, all those years of under age drinking have led to impeccable aim. You know, the kind of aim you wish your five year old son has when he pisses so that when you have food poisoning and are hurling by candlelight you aren't face to face with his imprecision. 

Once again, I've said too much. 

Say It Again and Get Slapped

It can't just be me.

I can't be the only one that feels the need to lash out with unexpected violence when certain phrases are uttered. And when used over and over again, it makes a girl think penitentiary-style thoughts like how can I get this shiv into that ribcage without being sent to the hole.

Some words or phrases just don't make sense. Like cat person. If you were really a Cat Person, you'd bring home dead birds, have a sandpaper tongue and be afraid of water. No-Host Bar also makes no sense. Don't tease me. If it's a No-Host Bar, I shouldn't have to bring any cash 'cause there will be no host. The opposite is true. Bastards. 

But Cat Person and No-Host Bar register pretty low on my Say It Again and Get Slapped Meter. These phrases ... these really set me off:

• Cream of the crop - Yeah, that's just gross.
• You go, girl - You go play in heavy traffic, girl.
• Keep your eyes peeled - Thank you, but I'd rather not.
• Cool beans - Idiot.
• A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush - Huh?
• Raining cats and dogs - I prefer it to rain pitchforks and hammer heads.
• There's more than one way to skin a cat - True, but that's the first way of letting society know that something is wrong ...  something is really, really wrong.

Devil Girl Needs Cash

My daughter is four years old and ruthless.

How do I know this? Because last night she told me she needed $50,000. Not a nickel .... not a dollar ...... $50,000. Her request for this pay-out was smooth; nothing but butter in her voice. All whiskey colored eyes and batting lashes. She might have even caressed my cheek --- Devil Girl. Trickster.

Just look at her. This girl ain't afraid to get her hands a little dirty. She handles her business, yo.

I was curious. Why would such a little palm require so much grease? My guess was the ice cream truck. You know, give him a big tip and he'd keep circling the block. Maybe slide her and her brother an extra Creamsicle. Hell, maybe just park his annoying ass right in front of our house for a couple of months.

Or maybe she was planning on getting the hell out of here. Get a swanky little spot of her own. She talks about her Life When She's Big all the time. And not the normal ramblings of a normal kid. This chick has plans.  Her words:

Four bedrooms

Pink and purple walls

Cinderella bed

A cat, no dog, one horse

Her job: Fixing houses and overthrowing Lex Luthor

She will eat eggs and cheese

She will not eat soup

Yes, her brother can live with her

No, her mother cannot

Maybe the money is actually for her sister. Maybe Big Sister had a little pow-wow with Little Sister in the dead of night. Told her to hit Mom up for the money 'cause Mom wouldn't give it to Big Sister who is almost 18 and might actually do something fun with it like end up in County Jail. But no, Devil Girl wouldn't fall for that old trick. Devil Girl is smart.

So, I just asked her straight out.  

"Harlowe, what do you need $50,000 for?"  

"Parents."

"Parents?"

"Yeah.  Different parents."  (Devil Girl smiles and bounces off my lap)

Two thoughts go through my mind. Either (1) my daughter is mixing it up with the local Goodfellas and is planning to have me whacked or (2) she's mixing it up with the Asian Underground and is planning on buying a pair of slightly used parents straight off the Black Market.

Either way, things aren't looking too good for me. And now I have to go because I'm pretty sure I hear the rustle of a tutu creeping up behind me.

Annie Lennox < Pi

Either I'm old or he's young.  A conversation with my brother's boyfriend (yeah, you heard me):

Him: Let's go out for drinks and Karaoke!

Me: Sure, I'll do some Eurythmics.

Him: What is that, some kind of mathematics?

 

Summer Sucks and So Do Martha Stewart/Carol Brady Crossbreeds

Screw summer vacation.  That's right, screw it.

Tomorrow is D-Day... the start of summer vacation for Max and Harlowe.  Too young for any kind of summer camp, they'll be stuck with me and in turn, I with them.  I'm sure there are Good Moms out there who already have a hefty roster of activities and mind developing crusades that will prepare Jack and Jill for an outstanding 2nd and 3rd grade.  Not me.  I got nothin'.  No elaborate crafts involving gluing beans to paper plates; no educational field trips; no fun.  Plus, my kids are like farmers, rising with the sun.  This leaves me with far too many hours to fill.  What to do.... what to do.  All I really want to do is eat some fruit salad and wait until it's 5:00 somewhere (wink, wink).

And screw you Martha Stewart/Carol Brady crossbreeds.  I call bullshit!  I've seen the pictures of you in your Lands End one-piece, sipping sun-brewed iced tea while you and your crew of civic-minded brats clean up the local beach.  Whatever.  I'm not buying it.  So what if I'm the mom who keeps her kids in the shallow end of the pool while I trade vodka recipes with the other moms who can't get wet for fear of melting Wicked Witch style.

I think it's time we quit perpetuating this myth.  Summer with kids isn't all berry picking, frolicking in the surf and finger painting.  In my world (i.e. The Real World), it's about begging your kids to go to sleep even though the sun is still burning outside; it's sweaty legs stuck to plastic chairs in suffocating heat; it's countless vacant hours of I'm Bored and Pasta, Again?; it's Hell.

Sunday Dinner: McDonalds

Normally on a Monday, you'd expect to find a recipe for whatever it was I served at our ritualistic Sunday night dinner. This would be accompanied by some quick witted comments (or at I least I think they're witty) about why I made it or what oddball thing happened during the course of the day. Nope, not today.  Because the kids ate McDonalds and the night before that they had grilled cheese sandwiches and I'm sure most of us know how to make that. And if you don't, oh well.

So here's why I boycotted being a fully functional Mother this weekend.  Don't worry, this Pity Party comes to you in its abbreviated form:

Thursday

Sage calling from SF to ask for money

Me stupid enough to send it

Friday

Max's kindergarten graduation

Missing his Dad

Tears

Wine

Chinese

My mom questioning my father-in-law about bedding Asian women while in the military

Me wanting to crawl into the center of the Earth

Saturday & Sunday

Me reading two, count'em two novels

Blues Clues marathon

Thunder storms

Kids in PJs

Me in their Dad's sweatshirt (why do I do this) 

More crying

Spilled milk

Ants in the damn kitchen

Are my eyes bleeding

Screw it