Thursday, October 29, 2009

UPrinting Business Cards Giveaway

UPrinting, the online printing company, is back with another giveaway. This time you could win yourself 250 business cards.  Here are the specs:

  • Sizes: 2x3.5", 2x3", 2x2" (square card) or 1.5x3.5" (skinny card)
  • Paper: 14 pt gloss cardstock, 14 pt matte cardstock or 13 pt recycled uncoated cardstock
  • Specs: Full color both sides
These high-quality business cards are perfect for whatever it is you want to market and promote: a business, your Etsy shop, your blog or simply yourself. They would also make perfect calling cards for moms who network at playgrounds and school functions. 

Thanks to, I am giving away 250 business cards to one lucky reader.  (P.S. for hosting this giveaway, I will receive an appreciation gift of 250 business cards to promote the wisdom that is Miss Spoken)

Main Entry
  • Go check out's business cards and tell me what you would use them for.
  • If your email is not publicly available, please post it in your comment.

Extra Entries 
  • Tell me how you found Miss Spoken
  • Follow Miss Spoken's All You Review
  • Post Miss Spoken's All You Review button (leave link)
  • Blog about this giveaway (leave link)
  • Get you Twitter on and tweet this giveaway (one tweet per day; leave link)

The Fine Print
  • Contest ends midnight, November 1 (PST)
  • Free UPS Ground Shipping in the USA
  • Offer not available to residents outside the USA
  • Winner chosen using Random Number Generator
  • Winner will be contacted by email and must claim their prize within 48 hours

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Boss Lady Turns Five!

Happy Birthday Boss Lady!

I suppose being born four days before Halloween has it's advantages. But maybe not so much when you want unicorns and rainbows and hearts and sunshine as your theme.

Not when Miss Spoken is your mother.

Because what she got was a pinata shaped like an eyeball. And as tradition dictates (and Miss Spoken's family never strays from tradition), Boss Lady was blindfolded, handed a bat and told to swing. This made Boss Lady cry because 1) the blindfold made her feel like she wasn't in control and Boss Lady always likes to be in control and 2) people were laughing. Laughing at her. Again, not acceptable to she who is named Boss Lady.

And instead of a cake decorated with ladybugs and lollipops, she got a cemetery cake that took Miss Spoken two days to make. Because Miss Spoken considers everything a challenge to her creativity and the execution of such must be perfect. So with hot glue in hand and a bevy of paint at the ready, she created a wrought iron-like fence, headstones and grave markers, shovels, ghosts and fresh dirt painstakingly made using Oreo wafers and a food processor (suck it Martha).

Miss Spoken thought it was rather clever of her to insist on this Halloween-themed birthday party. Sort of like two birds, one stone. But it ended up costing her like a kagillion dollars to turn Boss Lady into Cinderella and The Boy into her sword-carrying knight. Even Legal decided to play along and dressed as Wilma Flintstone, complete with a highlighter-orange wig and oversized pearl necklace. And when Miss Spoken decided to dress as Kim from The Real Housewives of Atlanta, the cost of this party steadily crept toward What The Hell Was I Thinking.

But it was worth it to see the whole gang in drag costume. There was Big Poppa (Kim's married lover/fiance/sugar daddy), a bloody surgeon as well as Sir Johnny. Spiderman showed up as did his mother, Miss Perceived, who was appropriately dressed as a cheerleader from the wrong side of the tracks.

And when the dry ice melted and the spinach dip was gone; when the eyeball was crushed and the last of the cemetery was eaten, this little band of costumed circus freaks moved the party to the Grand Sierra for a public display of bowling. In costume. Which caused strangers to take pictures and lesbians to hit on Wilma.

There were spills (vodka), injuries (Spiderman doesn't always land on his feet), tears (The Boy) and the world record for the longest public urination was broken (Big Poppa).

Boss Lady declared it the best birthday e-v-e-r.

And she got to take cupcakes and treats to her class today. And they were pink and pretty and confetti-decorated so everybody can stop yelling at me now.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Fuck You EliSSSabeth

Miss Spoken was just sitting there, minding her own business; innocently rolling around naked in a batch of towels plucked fresh from the dryer when her regularly scheduled program was interrupted. Interrupted by Balloon Boy and his Media-Whoring Family of FuckNuts.

But Miss Spoken didn't know at the time that they were Media-Whoring FuckNuts. So Miss Spoke was captivated and sad and asked Legal to come sit with her and watch the horror unfold.

Because Miss Spoken has a son, The Boy. And The Boy is also six. And Miss Spoken can't help but look at this Jiffy Pop balloon, soaring 10'000 feet above the ground, spinning and tilting and she's picturing The Boy inside and it makes her stomach hurt.

She is sure this will end tragically. And then the news lady who knows nothing and speculates everything says that they think Balloon Boy fell out somewhere. And now Miss Spoken is held hostage by her television and Balloon Boy, who isn't her son but could be. And so she watches until she can't take it anymore.

But now it looks like it was all a stunt. Not just a hoax, but something more vile. A means to get on TV and pimp your family. This makes Miss Spoken very angry. And then Elisabeth Hasselbeck (aka Fuck You EliSSSabeth) has the nerve to say that "this is what we deserved." Miss Spoken, who detests Elisabeth, knows exactly what she deserves. She deserves to have her fallopian tubes incinerated. She deserves to have her mouth stitched shut. She deserves a bitch slap. She deserves a BFF like Sarah Palin.

Miss Spoken can dish a joke and she can take one too. But this is not funny. Know what else isn't funny? Dry birth and rectal drip. Unless it happens to Fuck You EliSSSabeth and then Miss Spoken would laugh until her bladder dribbled.

Monday, October 19, 2009

UPrinting Custom Postcards Giveaway

UPrinting, the online printing company, is super generous this month. Along with the Custom Sticker Giveaway, they are now sponsoring (drumroll) the Custom Postcard Giveaway!

These customized postcards can be used for just about anything .....  holiday cards, invitations, business promotions and the list goes on and on.  The postcards come in a variety of sizes, are printed on a high quality glossy cardstock and are in full color. Sounds good, right? Right.

Thanks to, I am giving away 100 customized postcards (4x6) to one lucky reader.  (P.S. for hosting this giveaway, I will receive an appreciation gift of 100 postcards for me-self)

Main Entry
  • Go check out's postcards and tell me what you would use them for.
  • If your email is not publicly available, please post it in your comment.

Extra Entries 
  • Enter my UPrinting Custom Stickers Giveaway
  • Follow Miss Spoken's All You Review
  • Post Miss Spoken's All You Review button (leave link)
  • Blog about this giveaway (leave link)
  • Get you Twitter on and tweet this giveaway (one tweet per day; leave link)

The Fine Print
  • Contest ends midnight, October 26 (PST)
  • Free UPS Ground Shipping in the USA (Canadian residents must pay taxes and shipping)
  • Offer not available to residents outside the USA and Canada
  • Winner chosen using Random Number Generator
  • Winner will be contacted by email and must claim their prize within 48 hours

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Shooby Doo Bop, Shoo Doo Bop, I Wanna Love You

Miss Spoken has a super sexy exciting life.

Not really.

Mostly she shuttles her kids to and from school and begs her 18 year old to get up and do something. She gets her 21st century house-slave on by hosting Sunday dinners with the clan and she talks about distributing chores amongst her brood via a Super Elaborate But Easy to Follow Chore Chart but can't find one she likes. She pays bills online (cause she's savvy like that) and she blogs online (because blogging offline is stupid). She drinks coffee. She consumes wine. Sometimes she takes trips that don't involve Wal*Mart. One time she got drunk at a Busdriver show. She threw up the next morning.

Fun stuff.

Don't cry for her, Innernetterz, because this is the super sexy part.

Miss Spoken has lots of fake boyfriends and future ex-husbands that live inside her shattered mind and vacant vagina. Don't worry, this is safe sexy. No restraining orders this time. No stealing their puppy then taking photos of it wrapped in duct tape then demanding a bit of the ol' slap and tickle in exchange for its safe return. Miss Spoken knows they are just pretend boyfriends. Unless she forgets to take her blue pill and then they are soooo real.

Here's the lineup:

Mike Rowe. Because he's dirty and has a job. A Dirty Job. And his voice makes her panties fall off. Like magic. Dirty magic.

Vince Vaughn. Cause Miss Spoken likes a scrapper. And a man with a record.

Sherilyn Fenn. Okay, she's clearly not a boy. But she's soft and pretty and probably smells like jasmine and did you not see Boxing Helena?!

Henry Rollins. Two words: Black Flag

Just kidding. Miss Spoken is crazy, not c.r.a.z.y.

Now it's your turn. Spill it Innernetterz. Who's your fake boyfriend/girlfriend/future witness for the prosecution?

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

UPrinting Custom Stickers Giveaway

Blogs are buzzing about and for good reason. They are an online printing company, offering a wide variety of delivery tools to help you spread the word, whatever the word is that you want spread. With their help, you can customize everything from business cards to nightclub flyers. also offers customized stickers that can be used on your mail-out gifts, as promotional labels and much more. Don't own a business? Not a blogger? Use them as unique gift tags or personalized bookplates. You're limited only by your imagination.

Thanks to, I am giving away 250 customized stickers/labels to one lucky reader. Oh yeah ... Dear FTC: I'll be receiving 250 customized stickers/labels for hosting this fine giveaway.

Main Entry
  • Go check out's stickers and tell me what you would use the stickers for. 
  • If your email is not publicly available, please post it in your comment.

Extra Entries
  • Follow Miss Spoken's All You Review
  • Post Miss Spoken's All You Review button (leave link)
  • Blog about this giveaway (leave link)
  • Tweet this giveaway (leave link; one tweet per day)

The Fine Print
  • Contest ends midnight, October 23 (PST)
  • Open to US and Canadian mailing addresses only
  • Free UPS Ground Shipping in the USA (Canadian residents need to pay shipping and taxes)
  • Winner chosen using Random Number Generator
  • Winner will be contacted by email and must claim their prize within 48 hours

Thursday, October 8, 2009

There's a cat in a bag in a hole in the ground and the green grass grows all around, all around...

Once upon a time, there was a boy cat named Dingy. Dingy was loved very much by his family, Miss Perceived and The Regulator. Dingy loved them, too. But Dingy had room in his heart ... he had more love to give.

You see kids, when Dingy was a kitten, he discovered his very own nipple. Dingy fell in love with this nipple and would spend entire afternoons sucking his nipple, laughing at its jokes and calling it sweetheart. Dingy's nipple grew and grew from the love. Like an inch. Miss Perceived was proud of this love and shared it with the world. When friends came to visit, she would greet them with her Cheshire smile and say, "Come in ya'll! Come see my cat suck his own nipple!" And there in the corner of this love shack, Dingy could be found, curled into a ball and loving his nipple; curled into a ball because his nipple was placed in a not so convenient place which made loving it hard. But relationships take work, right? "Isn't he just the cat's meow?" she would say. 

Like the flocks of zealots who travel to see the image of Jesus Christ in the shadows of a tree trunk, people came from far and wide to see for themselves this cat named Dingy who loved his nipple. 

But then something terrible happened.

One day when Miss Spoken was drinking beer making sand castles in Santa Barbara, Miss Perceived heard a howl and then watched as Dingy seized up and died. This left Miss Perceived sad. The kind of sad that makes you not wear makeup which is a big deal for Miss Perceived who likes makeup very much. And this wasn't a good time for Miss Perceived to be sad because her mother was moving out of state and Miss Perceived was busy packing. And Miss Perceived's mom had a lot of collections to be packed. Like her collection of Kleenex, lamps, suckers, canned goods from 1991 and pens with no ink. I'm not saying she was a hoarder or anything, I'm just sayin' ...

Anyway, Miss Perceived hadn't sold any of her panties online yet and so she was strapped for cash and didn't have the means to give Dingy and his nipple a proper burial. So she called Puppet Boy and together they put Dingy in a bag and put him in a hole in the ground. In the front yard. Which is by no means private. Not even a fence.

Then late last night, with a storm raging and the winds blowing, there was a knock at my door. And there they were ... Miss Perceived and The Regulator. But why did she look so crazed? And why was she holding a shovel? And why was she wearing a cloak?

"Will you watch The Regulator for a few minutes?"

"Sure! Is everything okay?"

"Huh? Oh ... yeah. I just gotta go dig up Dingy."

**Thunder cracks and lightening splits the sky**

Okay, maybe it was four o'clock in the afternoon  and 69 degrees outside. And maybe she didn't have a shovel. And it might not have been a cloak but a pink t-shirt that said Princess. But she was going to go dig up her dead cat.

Prior to the excavation, aka grave digging, Miss Perceived called the Kitty Crematorium and explained her situation. Which now has made her the most popular girl there and everybody knows her by name. And Miss Spoken never knows when she might have to move a body and it's good to know that Miss Perceived can help her. Because, as Dionne Warwick would say, that's what friends are for.

But hold on to your crackers kiddies because here's the best part of this tale.

Miss Perceived is a busy lady. She has things to do. So before she goes to the Kitty Crematorium, she has to stop by Wal*Mart, go to the post office and of course, The Regulator needs to go to Jump Man Jump for an hour or so.

Where is Dingy and his nipple, you ask?

Oh .... in the back of her mini van.

RIP Dingy ... I mean, you know... as soon as you're buried again and all.

The End.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Babbleville's Town Trollop

Did I ever tell you guys that Babbleville has a Town Trollop? And did I mention that she lives just a couple of houses down from Miss Perceived and I? She sure does. And guess what?

We hate her. And it's a Fill a Sock With Quarters and Beat the Slut Out of Her kind of hate.

Here's the back story. Town Trollop is somewhere in her 20s and has three kids - Blondie (10), Punk Ass (11?) and the Girl Who Never Wears Shoes (2). Miss Perceived and I got to know them over the summer because Blondie and Punk Ass were left alone all day to wander the streets of Babbleville looking for food, friends and in Punk Ass's case, things to burn.

Punk Ass looks like he came from the Village of the Damned, is supposed to be medicated for ADHD and has some "anger management" issues which seem to increase the longer he goes without meds which is always because Town Trollop doesn't see to it that he takes them. She admittedly "gave him" to his Dad because he's so out of control. Oh, and did I mention that I walked in on Punk Ass taking a shit in my personal bathroom? Uggh....

The Girl Who Never Wears Shoes is dirty, whiny and always on Blondie's hip. I saw Blondie once strolling her sister at 7:30 in the morning by herself. I suppose it's good practice for Blondie because once she hits puberty and the boys start to pay her some much craved attention, I'm betting Town Trollop won't be there to help her and she'll find herself knocked up and waiting in line to redeem her WIC vouchers. I hope not, but you know how it goes.

Oh, and they have a black cat named Jig. Which is short for Jiggaboo. Which makes Town Trollop a slut and an asshole.

So, Miss Perceived and I were sort of forced to keep and eye on and feed Blondie and Punk Ass over the summer because they'd show up at the pool, and they'd come over when we weren't at the pool and because we like Blondie and because we are responsible adults when we're not sipping vodka in the morning. Fortunately, Punk Ass is now back with his Dad for the school year so I can stop hiding the matches and taking inventory after he leaves my house. And I can use my bathroom without the fear of walking in on some pale, demonic looking kid cupping his penis and crapping in my toilet.

But the drama continues. Because Town Trollop likes to tell stories about the men she meets online. Like the guy who pretended to get a call from his father and then pretended he was at the hospital and then left her at his house hoping she would leave. Which she didn't do until many, many hours later. After she took a nap. And when I joked about whether or not she went through his drawers to "look for a pen," she laughed and said, "I know, right?! Like, I found a bunch of money! I could have totally taken in. And I've been calling him all morning but he hasn't called me back. Crazy, right?!" Riiigghht.

And how she sometimes puts her kids to bed and then leaves to go to the gym. At ten o'clock at night.

And would I like to watch her kids for $100 a week. Ummm..... hell no. And aren't Miss Perceived and I already doing it for free?

And our hate for this chick escalates as Blondie explains that her mom has said that she's going to start food shopping so Blondie can have a fucking Pop Tart for breakfast before school. And because Knock, Knock .... Can I borrow a pencil because my mom didn't buy me any and I need to do my homework. Blondie also comes to my house every morning before school and walks with the kids and I which is fine by me. Except that I have to hear stories about her fucking mother. Like the time I was dressing the kids and she asked to use a hairbrush because Town Trollop and her stayed at her boyfriend's house overnight which is about two hours away and Blondie had to get up at 5:30 and didn't have time to do her hair.

But what's really got me pissed, is that Blondie has been asking me to sign her homework for her. Because her mother doesn't have time. And today, she asked me to sign her Progress Report. JeezusChrist!  After I inhaled deeply, bit a hole in my cheek and then pressed  the heels of my hands into my eyes so as not to tell this little girl that I thought her mother should have a hysterectomy; that I thought her mother was setting her up for total failure; that when I saw her mother I was going to pull out that sock full of quarters.

But I didn't say any of that out loud. What I said was that I was uncomfortable signing the report. That her grades were awesome (all As and Bs) and that her mom should really see this to which she replied once again that her mom was busy. So I signed it. 

But I'll be stopping by Town Trollop's house tonight. I'll leave that sock full of quarters home because as far as I know, there's no Wi-Fi in county jail. 

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Miranda? That's a Whore's Name!

You've watched Nickelodeon, admit it. Whether you have kids like me or grow pot for the Cannabis Club like my dad, you've seen it. And you've liked it. At least some of it.

But for this post to make any sense, let's hold hands as we take a trip back in time to the 90s . . .

The Spice Girls were telling you what they wanted, what they really really wanted. You had a favorite scrunchy and lots of Lycra in your closet. You got drunk on Jello Shots and woke up with a Sonic the Hedgehog tattoo. Okay, maybe not. So it's 1997 and Legal isn't legal and she loves her some Nickelodeon. Shows like Angry Beavers (my nickname in high school), Keenan & Kel, CatDog. And the best show is Figure It Out.

Figure It Out was a game show hosted by the always sporty Summer Sanders. Summer was forever tan, forever blond and had that Of Course I Don't Masturbate look about her. Actually, she reminds me a lot of Miss Perceived except for that whole masturbation thing.

Anyway, the show was pretty straight forward. Basically, some kid would have a talent or skill of some sort (like making paper out of dryer lint) and the Nick panelists would have to Figure It Out. And there was Secret Slime Action. And that's as dirty as it got.

Fast forward to today's Nickelodeon and we have this minx from iCarly:

Please stop yelling at me because I'm not saying this girl is dirty, I'm just saying she could be. And her name is Miranda which we all know is a whore's name.

And here she is clearly high on ecstasy:

If you need more evidence that Nickelodeon and their centerfold iCarly (aka Miranda the Whore) is really a covert operation to sneak just a bit o' porn into your living room, there is their awards show episode where Carly (aka Miranda the Whore) wears a thigh skimming red silky strapless number and black fingerless gloves (aka whore gloves); a chubby kid with a tuxedo vest on and not much else is handing out awards and a team of bare chested European swimsuit models are sporting speedos and dancing around to the Euro-Techno-Did-I-Mention-I-Like-Fisting songs made popular in the bath houses of Northern California.

And then there is this guy who won an award for Most Interesting Yet Frightening Tongue of All Time. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you ... Tongue Boy ...

Monday, October 5, 2009

The Shopkeeper Review & Giveaway

The Shopkeeper - A Steve Dancy Tale
by James D. Best
Published December 2007

In 1879, Steve Dancy sells his New York shop and ventures west to explore and write a journal about his adventures. Though he's not looking for trouble, Dancy's infatuation with another man's wife soon embroils him in a deadly feud with Sean Washburn, a Nevada silver baron.

Infuriated by the outrages of two hired thugs, the shopkeeper kills both men in an impulsive street fight. Dancy believes this barbarian act has closed the episode. He is wrong. He has interfered with Washburn's ambitions, and this is something the mining tycoon will not allow.

Pinkertons, hired assassins, and aggrieved bystanders escalate the feud until it pulls in all the moneyed interests and power brokers in Nevada. Can the former city slicker settle accounts without losing his life in the process?

One could never call me an expert of the Western genre, but I did grow up with a Grandpa who loved Spaghetti Westerns and read Louis L'Amour. And now I find myself living in Nevada, searching for an enormous wooden wagon wheel to use as art in my living room, and reading books like The Shopkeeper. Go figure.

But The Shopkeeper is a page turner and James Best is a great story teller. It's also evident that he has done his homework. Best captures the harsh landscape of Nevada in the late 1800s and the brutality of the American West. The characters are well developed but, as this appears to be the first in a series of Steve Dancy books, I expect that they will become even more flushed out as the series continues. I especially loved the brash female characters and hope that old Mrs. Bolton rears her ugly head in his next book, Leadville. I always fall for the villain and she is stupendously malevolent. The protagonist, Steve Dancy, isn't so much of a hero as he is an anti-hero. Wealthy, intelligent, self-enterprising and murderous. These characteristics shift as the plot thickens and as Dancy matches wits, trades bullets and tries to stay alive long enough to end his feud with the silver baron who wants him dead.

Thanks to Author Marketing Experts, Inc., I am giving away a copy of The Shopkeeper to one lucky reader.

Main Entry
  • Leave a comment and tell me your favorite Western movie or book.
  • If your email is not publicly available, please post it in your comment.

Extra Entries
  • Follow The All You Review (link on right sidebar)
  • Post The All You Review button on your site (leave link)
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Contest ends midnight, October 11 (PST)
Winner chosen using a random number generator
Winner will be contacted by email and must claim their prize within 48 hours


Congratulations to The All You Review follower . . .


She has won herself a copy of the book, The Power of Women United 

Friday, October 2, 2009


Congratulations to The All You Review follower . . .


Amber has won a copy of the book, Silverstein & me: A Memoir

Happy reading!