Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Does This Meat Tenderizer Come With Lubricant?

Pampered Chef ... you guys ever heard of it? It's like Tupperware on steroids. And it's ridiculously expensive, unless you think $13 is reasonable for a spatula.

Maybe you're asking yourself, "How did Miss Spoken find herself at a Pampered Chef party of all places?" I'll tell you. It's because my brother, Puppet Boy, works in retail. He'll talk to anybody about anything. So when this woman walked into his job looking for (insert random item), they naturally got to talking. Thirty minutes later she walked away with (insert random item) in her hand and with one more sucker to add to her rolodex of Pampered Chef hostesses. She claims she didn't know he was gay but come on, he just signed up to host a Pampered Chef party and is so gay he can put a lisp in any word in the English language. Whore Mouth, Legal and I called him late one night just to hear him say "crackers."

*Ring .... Ring .....*

"Hello."

"Hey Will, say crackers and cheese."

*Insert muffled sounds of three grown women giggling*

"Huh? What? Why?"

"Just fucking say it."

"Crackerths and Cheesth."

"Bwahahahaha! Shit, I gotta go. I think Mom just pissed herself."

And so it was that Whore Mouth, Miss Perceived and I found ourselves at his Pampered Chef party. We don't get out much, so it was inevitable that we filled the first hour with drinks and the second hour drinking and cracking vagina jokes and assaulting this poor woman with our tasteless humor.

And we were especially full of the filth that night.

But it was her fault for passing around a meat tenderizer with removable parts. If you say things like "toothed side," "pound your chicken" and "cracking nuts" we have no choice but to ask if this thing comes with a suction cup base and whether or not it's seeing anyone at the moment. Because if you're going to spend almost $30 on a meat tenderizer, shouldn't it tenderize my meat? *wink, wink*

I think Miss Perceived tried to smuggle the meat tenderizer out of the house using just her pelvic floor muscles. She's kind of brilliantly criminal like that.

By the end of the night, I dropped a vodka soaked check on a gravy separator (who doesn't want their gravy separated?) and a pie plate. I also got to feel up Miss Perceived and dust off some old pedophile jokes that had been sitting on my shelf for a few years.

And I'm pretty sure Puppet Boy is the new face of Pampered Chef. Hope that works out better than his attempts at selling Girl Scout cookies on the side of the road in rural Alabama.


11 comments:

Elly Lou said...

My vagina already has a "toothed side."

Also, I think lithp is about the trickiest word in the english language. It's even worse plural. Which brings me back to things in my vagina...

Rebecca said...

I love that you called him just to make him say Crackers and Cheese. Brilliant!

I bet he'll sell lots of pampered chef things.....

Bonus, I could type my word verification with just my left hand!

Miss Spoken said...

@Elly Lou - Toothed vagina? Is that why they call you Snaggle Puss?

@Rebecca - Yes, my next cruel prank will involve Elly Lou's toothed vagina, some duct tape and the Cabaret soundtrack. YouTube here we come!

Elly Lou said...

I'm ready for my close up...

Brutalism said...

Is the meat tenderizer "seeing anyone at the moment?" I'm wetting my pants.

In the name of friendship, I suffered through one clothing party and one jewelry party. I have successfully avoided all Pampered Chef soirees thus far. But if I ever do go...you have to come with me.

Miss Spoken said...

@Brutalism - I'll go with you, but when they get to the part where they talk about tossing salad, I can't be held responsible for the filth that will pour from my mouth.

Wicked Shawn said...

I'm confused, I assumed that "Pampered Chef" meant that the chef received a happy ending or something of this nature, which I would be all in for.

Mrsblogalot said...

OMG You and Elly Lou have now made me totally forget what I was going to say....

Forgotten said...

Oh man. You would be a blast at one of those sex toy parties. I try to avoid those mostly because for some reason I always end up being smacked with a big dild*.

Anypenis, I hope he has good luck with that. I love their baking stones, BTW.

Jennifer said...

Dude - make fun of Pampered Chef if you will...it is pricey...but I bought one of those sptaula-spoon things like 14 years ago and the thing still looks like brand new. Absolute favorite kitchen utensil.

Though if I ever attend another Pampered Chef party I don't think that I'll be able to look at the meat tenderizer without bursting into flames of embarrassment...

A Vapid Blonde said...

I prefer rubs to tenderize my meat over pounding.