Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Not Exactly Bonnie and Clyde

With a heavy sigh, I return from yet another extended vacation from my blog. A furlough from extracting the funny from ordinary moments. A sabbatical from analyzing this life that is all mine.

Here's what you missed:

My Gay and I committed a federal offense when we stole a huge box that had been sitting in front of what we used to refer to as The Meth Lab. It was a neighboring townhome occupied by drug dealers community college students who would throw barbeques at midnight and their girlfriends, unsteady in their stilettos and skinny jeans, would point their camera phones to the sky and take pictures of clouds. They were evicted but soon thereafter, a large package arrived at their door. And there is sat, taunting me. For months I would walk by and look at it from afar wondering what could possibly be inside. Black tar heroin maybe? A baby monkey perhaps? Tea cups from Grandma? What the fuck?? Finally, I couldn't take it any longer. I enlisted My Gay into my dirty crime world and together we walked moved like Ninja warriors, grabbed the box and ran like girls disappeared like thieves in the night. With fingers crossed in hopes of discovering a year's supply of Xanax or at the very least a case of wine, we dug into the box and found .... a fucking ham. A six month old ham, dammit.

Later that night we took our two-person crime wave to a gay bar and got ridiculously drunk and made fun of a man who looked like he had hookers in his basement.

Not exactly Bonnie and Clyde but it's hard to be super bad ass gangsters with ABBA dominating the scene. It's not exactly the soundtrack for criminals. Next time, we're going hardcore. Like Pet Shop Boys hardcore.

Sometimes you're better off dead. There's a gun in your hand and it's pointing at your head ...

7 comments:

Moooooog35 said...

What does a guy who has hookers in his basement look like?

Just trying to stay one step ahead of the cops, is all.

Thanks in advance.

Brutalism said...

A ham? Who the hell ships a ham? I'm so disturbed by that. Less so by the guy with hookers in his basement.

I do appreciate that you are working appropriate soundtracks into your life of crime. Perhaps you could also incorporate some hand motions? If only life was like a musical...

P.S. I need a gay

Rebecca said...

So was it smelly? The ham, when you opened it? Ewwoohhh

Elly Lou said...

Man, I remember the first time I heard the Pet Shop Boy's "Smack My Bitch Up." Good times.

Wicked Shawn said...

Any chance we can play some sort of game with the ham, where we ship it around, taking photos in interesting places with it? Ya know, here is moooooog in his basement with the hookers and the ham, here is Elly in the MoMA with Tim Burton display with the ham. Like, The Stolen Ham does America Tour?

Brans~Muffin said...

You can ship the Ham to me! I have a Camera!

Alexis AKA MOM said...

You're too funny! Love you kicked up your heels!