Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Shooby Doo Bop, Shoo Doo Bop, I Wanna Love You

Miss Spoken has a super sexy exciting life.

Not really.

Mostly she shuttles her kids to and from school and begs her 18 year old to get up and do something. She gets her 21st century house-slave on by hosting Sunday dinners with the clan and she talks about distributing chores amongst her brood via a Super Elaborate But Easy to Follow Chore Chart but can't find one she likes. She pays bills online (cause she's savvy like that) and she blogs online (because blogging offline is stupid). She drinks coffee. She consumes wine. Sometimes she takes trips that don't involve Wal*Mart. One time she got drunk at a Busdriver show. She threw up the next morning.

Fun stuff.

Don't cry for her, Innernetterz, because this is the super sexy part.

Miss Spoken has lots of fake boyfriends and future ex-husbands that live inside her shattered mind and vacant vagina. Don't worry, this is safe sexy. No restraining orders this time. No stealing their puppy then taking photos of it wrapped in duct tape then demanding a bit of the ol' slap and tickle in exchange for its safe return. Miss Spoken knows they are just pretend boyfriends. Unless she forgets to take her blue pill and then they are soooo real.

Here's the lineup:

Mike Rowe. Because he's dirty and has a job. A Dirty Job. And his voice makes her panties fall off. Like magic. Dirty magic.

Vince Vaughn. Cause Miss Spoken likes a scrapper. And a man with a record.

Sherilyn Fenn. Okay, she's clearly not a boy. But she's soft and pretty and probably smells like jasmine and did you not see Boxing Helena?!

Henry Rollins. Two words: Black Flag

Just kidding. Miss Spoken is crazy, not c.r.a.z.y.

Now it's your turn. Spill it Innernetterz. Who's your fake boyfriend/girlfriend/future witness for the prosecution?


William said...

Milla Jovovich. As the orange haired hottie in "The Fifth Element" and the bad ass sexy zombie killer in all The Resident Evil Movies. Anyone who can kill zombies in high boots and a red dress barely covering her body is on my list of future ex-wives.

littledeadmommy said...

This made me laugh...earlier there was a commercial on for Dirty Jobs and my boyfriend was like " you think Mike Rowe is hot, don't you?".

Miss Spoken said...

AND he has a kick ass apartment in San Francisco. Fuck him. No really .... fuck HIM

Miss Spoken said...

...and Wiliam..... that says a lot considering you're GAY and all ....

But I agree... Milla is sponge worthy ... if she had sperm. Which she doesn't. But still, I agree. Saucy.

littledeadmommy said...

Mike Rowe can sing opera....wonder what could sound like. lol

littledeadmommy said...

Joaquin Phoenix....I'd shave off his beard any day.

TwinsMa said...

Fave guy-crush...Vin Diesel...The Pacifier edition (only if he does the childcare part though. And his voice definately makes me all mushy)

Fave girl-crush...Kat Von Dee. I want to see all her tattoos. I just can't help it.

Fave old-guy crush...Sean Connery. Again, flip off the lights and start talking dirty to me. RAWR.

cman said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Dee said...

but is miss spoken; ur phone ring...Hello, hi how r u??... HOWS UR SISTER? AND TELL UR MOM I SAID HELLO.
In a nut shell, is miss spoken "O tell your mom I said hi??