Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Her Turntables Might Wobble But They Don't Fall Down

My sister, Miss Led, lives in a place where she's not allowed to have a cell phone. There's also no television and forget about a newspaper so don't bother asking her where Tiger is 'cause she'll just tell you that he's hiding in the doghouse with Kitty Carryall.

But my sister is resourceful and not one to follow all the rules. Her contraband is her cell phone and yes, it's fancy so it has Internet access which means she's finally able to join the army (where army means handful) of people following the word of Miss Spoken.

She immediately observes two things:
  1. I use a lot of profanity, maybe too much for her. That's odd because I seem to recall her owning a stack of fluorescent orange stickers that read, "Fuck You, You Fucking Fuck!"
  2. There is a noticeable lack of postings that are centered around, involve, showcase or otherwise mention her.
There's not much I can do about number one, but I'm all over number two. Ladies, gentlemen and children too young to comprehend the filth that rolls off my tongue ... now appearing in the center ring, ..... It's .... Miss .... Led!

[Insert random clapping, muffled coughing and shifting uncomfortably in one's seat]

I'm sure it wasn't easy growing up with me as a big sister and not just because of my incredible intelligence (please don't make me explain quantum mechanics again). I'm guessing it was difficult because I'd play games like Let's Make Little Sister Close Her Eyes & Walk Her Into Stop Signs, and the ever-popular Let's Put Little Sister On The Handle Bars & Hit A Curb. And who could forget Let's Grab A Knife & Chase Little Sister Into The Closet singing the "We Don't Like Snitches" song.

And when my mother decided to give her a pixie cut, she looked less like Mia Farrow and more like she fell head first into a wood chipper. And God help her, her favorite outfit at the time was this rose colored jumpsuit that made a shwoosh shwoosh noise every time she fucking moved. To this day, I have no idea what kind of fabric that was but luckily she took her school picture in it so future generations can continue this perplexing research.

There are way too many stories to tell about Miss Led.

Like the time she came home high on Ecstasy and thought my Aunt was giving a blow job to a guy in a wheelchair (She wasn't. At least we're pretty sure she wasn't). Or the time she accidentally glued one of those squiggly eyes to the center of her forehead using industrial strength adhesive. And how together, we both like to torment our Grandma by constantly saying words that offend her: creamy, faggot, orgasm. Grandma might deserve this because these are her favorite words: Go to hell and piss on you all.

Miss Led ......

She's a little bit of this:

And a little bit of that:

She may or may not have had sex in a cemetery. She certainly had sex in Candlestick Park.

She can recite nearly every line from The Devil's Advocate ("It wasn't the wine, Kevin...")

She was once overcome with emotion while listening to a song and started to cry. The song was Tupac's "California Love."

I should probably stop here before this turns into an unauthorized biography and she sues me for defamation of character.


Forgotten said...

Well, nice to meet you, Miss Led. I hope she treats you better now than she did when you were growing up. I did the close you eyes and pretend you're skiing thing with my brother and then smacked him in the forehead and told him he hit a tree all the time. He fell for it for years. Hehe.

Miss Spoken said...

Forgotten - Yes... nothing says "I love you" like a well placed and routinely delivered smack upside the head.

Anonymous said...

Well where do I begin???? Ha ha.... Miss Led has been my best friend since I was 15 and she was 14. Yes Miss Led, I know I am a year older than you!!!! Fucker.

I will say Miss Spoken's stories about her sister are pretty funny. I have a few of my own.... Like the time we got drunk at my house and I let her cut my eye lashes. Or the time we made a drink for Orfa in my kitchen from things like booze, mayo, spit.... We were hell raisers as teenagers... But we were always side by side for most of our youth. I call Miss Spoken and Miss Led's Grandma & Grandpa -Grandma and Grandpa. I was there when Miss Led's first born came into the world.... I even cut the cord because Miss Spoken didn't even want to "look down there". Ha Ha. I am very proud of my old time friend for the strides she is making to create a fantastic world for herself and her children! I know she can do it.... because she is tougher than most! And I know, used to have her fight my fights for me. I am also very proud of Miss Spoken for doing what she is doing to take care of her own as well. Although I am not a blood related relative.... I would consider myself very much innertwined with this family! With Miss Spoken having babies with my fake big brother brought us all even closer. Cuz when I was growing up, I was taught to respect and fear Miss Spoken! Now they are both more like sisters than just friends.... people I can reply on when shit goes south and people who know they can reply on me if they ever need it! This family has not BY ANY MEANS had anything easy in this life..... but what they do have has made them SOLDIERS!!!!!

Oh, and Boy do I have more stories about Miss Led..... And miss Spoken.... like when she threatened to kill me if I lost the needle I was using on her floor, which I did. Of course. But at least Little baby Legal didn't step on it!!!!

I love you guys!!!!!!

Miss Auntie

Anonymous said...

I said reply instead of rely like so many times.... I am retarded!

Miss Spoken said...

For the record, "the needle" Anonymous/Miss Auntie referred to was a SEWING needle.

Good God.

bonanza jellybean said...

What is the 2nd picture of? Is that a movie I missed?

Ahhh sweet sisterhood, someone of your very own to torment. Can I adopt you two? I'll let you cut my hair when I am drunk...I do.

Miss Spoken said...

bonanza jellybean - The second picture is a scene from Natural Born Killers. And here's a favorite quote:

"How sexy am I know, huh? Flirty boy! How sexy am I now?"