Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Scrotal Recall

Located in Nevada's high desert sits a little brothel called the Shady Lady Ranch.

Isn't she a beauty?

This Shady Lady boasts a dedication to the working man. Your average Ben Davis wearing, Marlboro smoking, calloused hand man. Had I known you could turn a bunch of broken down trailers into an actual house of ill repute, my high school years may have been a whole lot more lucrative. Maybe I could have banged some low-grade politician (not like Chamber of Commerce low, but you know what I mean). I could have waited in the wings, sex tape in the safe deposit box until their star rose to political fame and then BAM! Pay dirt! My own personal cash cow. But it was high school and I obviously wasn't thinking clearly. I'll blame my lack of vision on Mickey's Big Mouths and an aversion to hawking my lady parts for cash.

Anyway, I had a point about the Shady Lady Ranch and I should probably get down to it.

The Shady Lady Ranch employed the first ever official male prostitute. We all know that male hookers have been around for years, and not just the kind of guys that dressed like women, strapped pork chops to their thighs and turned tricks in the dark alleys of Gold Rush America. There's all kinds of male trollops. The 16 year old runaway looking for a Happy Meal, the 56 year old grandfather looking for a rock. I've seen My Own Private Idaho so I know the score. I'm fuckin' savvy to the scene. So although these rentboys have been hustling for ages, this guy at The Shady Lady was the first official male prostitute. I'm sure his mother is proud.

Oh, and he goes by the name Markus Destin. I forgot to mention that earlier because I don't usually bother to get to know my hooker. Makes it easier for me to keep my distance just in case I need to dehumanize them when it comes time to put them in the trunk pay them.

But it seems that poor Markus has had to leave the Shady Lady Ranch. With just ten paying customers in two months, Markus is going to try his hand in the adult film industry. I can't imagine why women weren't flocking to him:

Hmmm.... let me think about this for a second. Could it be because Markus here looks a little.... what's the word .... oh yeah, GAY?

It makes me wonder what genre of adult films we might see him in. Maybe something in the gay porn arena? Maybe Schindler's Fist? How about I'm Gonna Fuck You Sucka? The Fast and the Curious? Dammit, I have to stop. This is quickly turning into a drinking game.

Yes, Markus the gay male prostitute is gone. It's just as well since he compared himself to Rosa Parks and really, if I wanted to fuck a narcissist I'd just stay home and spend some quality time with my vagina.

But if you really did have your Mother's Day dreams set on a romp with a male whore, the Shady Lady has a new guy and his name is Y Not. I haven't been able to get my hands on his photo but based on Shady Lady's previous lineup, I'm going to guess he looks a little like this:


Rebecca said...

Yeah, that's funny. So, funny, I'm gonna send the link to my mom. She's gonna love it.

Elly Lou said...

I'm off to buy a few steaks and some twine.

Miss Spoken said...

@Rebecca - Good idea! I love a mom who appreciates posts about whoring and possible fisting.

@Elly Lou - Oooooh.... steaks...... that's some high-falutin' shit. I always knew you were one classy broad.

Brutalism said...

Best post title, ever.
This is hilarious.
I don't really have a problem with legalized prostitution...but have a huge ethical problem with someone named Y Not.

Wicked Shawn said...

I think Marcus should have cinsulted you for a whore name. His bores the interest right the hell out of me. Goof\d thing he is gay. No woman worth a damn would pay to be banged by a guy with no more originality than that. Just sayin. Y Not, on the other hand,...

MrsBlogAlot said...


note to self: Don't get to know your Hooker. Get new trunk lock.

Anonymous said...

DUDE..... It is sorted.... We have to get the new guy for Whore Mouth! You know she wants it.... been 12 years or however long she said. I told her you and I would buy her one, now we know where to go. AH HAHAHA!

Can you imagine sending her over to those trailers to bang out the new dude? That would be hilarious! I am laughing really hard to myself about it as I type this.... Especially if it was the first guy. I know he doesn't work there anymore, but could you imagine????!!!!! HAHAHHA! I'm dying.

And this quote has to be my favorite of the week: "if I wanted to fuck a narcissist I'd just stay home and spend some quality time with my vagina".

Well played my dear!!!! hahahah!