Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Regrettable Me

Whoever says that they can look back on their life and have no regrets is full of shit. These are the people who say things like, "Every decision I've made, good or bad, has made me the person I am today."

Ass biscuits!

I know because I've used this sweepingly generic excuse once or twice in my life but what I was really saying was, "Yeah, I'm an idiot who does lots of dumb shit ... who often makes the same mistakes twice and who doesn't care to talk about it, so kindly shut your face before I get all kinds of stabby."

I have a garden full of Regret and What the Fuck Was I Thinking. Enormous blossoms of regret, like not saying I love you or even goodbye to Seltar the morning he left for work on the day he died. And regret for my monstrous lack of parenting that stretched from 2001 to 2007. That regret grows like ivy, smothering and destroying everything it creeps over if not routinely cut back.

But not all of my regret is so blue. There are also these gems .......

  • I regret the day I stumbled across nude pictures of my daughter's 16 year old boyfriend. **Shudder. Gag. Shudder. Repeat**
  • I regret my affair with a married man and I regret that it lasted six years. The Karma Police are still in hot pursuit over that one.
  • I regret not learning how to swim. I'll blame this on my mother for never sending me to camp.
Dear Whore Mouth,
It is because of you that I cannot swim, nor am I any good at horseshoes and have never learned the art of creating those twine-string-friendship-bracelet-key chain-thingies. My life would totally have been different if you just sent me to camp for one fucking summer!

  • I regret going into labor a month early and missing the first ever Lollapalooza. The lineup: Jane's Addiction, Siouxsie, NIN, Rollins Band, Butthole Surfers, Violent Femmes and Fishbone. Ughhhh ..... babies are so selfish!
  • I regret watching Desperately Seeking Susan and letting it define my style for the next two years. Seriously, no adult figure in my life could tell me not to go to school dressed entirely in lace? Fuckers.
  • I regret that one night stand with the guy with the Irish accent. I in fact regretted it so much, I took half the paint off of his car when I peeled out of his drive way the next morning. Oops.
  • I regret not doing any of the things my crazy neighbor in San Francisco accused me of. Like putting voodoo statues in the garden to torment her, spray painting the word Bitch on her car, dragging dead bodies across the floor and especially, my personal favorite, throwing pots of piss at her back door.
  • I regret tequila. 'Nough said.


Moooooog35 said...

I regret not reading this post on regret and regretting to put a regretful comment in a timely fashion here in the comment section about the regrets you regretfully regret.

And now I actually regret making this comment.

Elly Lou said...

So first, I'm pretty sure that's a picture of A Vapid Blonde on the toilet. Second, you must have incredible upper body strength. Dead bodies are HEAVY.

Wicked Shawn said...

I regret........yeah, the internet is just not big enough.

Miss Spoken said...

I also regret the bikini wax I did on that Arabic woman the day I graduated from beauty school. What I did to her lady parts was positively criminal.

pattypunker said...

i regret never using the phrase "ass biscuits"! that's awesome. i also regret never having thrown pots of piss. how could i have missed out on that much fun! i'm rectifying that pronto.

Marty said...

Just found your blog and love it!! Brutal honesty...priceless...your neighbor actually accused you of putting voodoo dolls in the garden, now that's funny as hell.

Hope to get to know you more.

Shell said...

LMAO! I love your honesty! And I'm with you- there are certain things that I totally regret. And I think if I could change them, I wouldn't wake up being a completely different person. But, I might be happier.

Unknown said...

LMAO! I love your blog. Am only sorry I didn't know about you sooner!