Roll It Like a B-Side: The Interviews

What caught my attention initially was her blog name, Mommy Wants Vodka. The little voice inside my head whispered, yes .... mommy does want vodka. What kept me coming back was writer Aunt Becky's sarcasm, humor and frequent use of the term "crotch parasite."

Aunt Becky's words of wisdom can also be found at Toy With Me where she writes a weekly column on important topics such as the humiliation of having a stripper's balls in her face and how, once upon a time, she was afraid of her vagina.

Although Aunt Becky is busy with her plot to take over the world via freelance writing and becoming a super villain, she has taken the time to give Miss Spoken's reader an insight into the workings of the mind that is Mommy Wants Vodka:

1. What is your current state of mind? Fat and happy. Alternately, light and airy.
2. Chocolate or lemon? Why have OR when you can have AND?
3. You've just been promoted to Porn Star. What's your name? Fists of Fury.
4. What's the last movie that made you cry? Joe Dirt.
5. A word you love: Cacophony. It just rolls off the tongue so awesomely.
6. A word you hate: Deadlines. Because. Obviously.
7. I'm looking through your closet. What am I surprised to find? Boxing gloves.
8. Plane, train or automobile? Bangs pots and pans. "Ooook-la-homa! Oklahoma! Oklahoma! Oklahoma!"
9. What's your idea of perfect happiness? Sleep. Lots of sleep.
10. What talent would you most like to have? The ability to sleep. Alternately, the ability to mass-produce Vicodin from garbage.
11. What am I most likely to trip over in your house? A crotch parasite.
12. Richard Pryor, George Carlin or Steve Martin? See #8. Or: Steve Martin.
13. Kathy Griffin, Chelsea Handler or Lisa Lampanelli? Ms. Handler.
14. It's 100 degrees outside. Where are you? Hell, baby. And yes, there IS vodka here.
15. What do you consider the most overrated virtue? Motherfucking patience.
16. Lights on or off? Depends on who I'm humping.
17. What'cha reading? US Weekly.
18. The best thing on TV is: House, MD
19. Where am I most likely to bump into you? My boyfriend, Target.
20. It's Thursday night. What's for dinner? Uh. Whatever you're picking me up?
21. What did they call you in High School? "Doll Face"
22. What's a song you never get tired of listening to? Prince's "P Control."
23. Which words or phrases do you most overuse? Awesome.
24. What are you wearing? Less than I should be, given that it's subzero in Chicago. Fresh ink, man, FEEL THE BURN.
25. Give me some words to live by ... "There are no finer words in the English language than 'encased meats," my friends. Except maybe "hooray beer!"

Aunt Becky Asked What?!

Maybe you know her as Aunt Becky. Maybe you know her as Mommy Wants Vodka. Maybe you don't know her at all which sucks for you.

Anyhell, Aunt Becky is interviewing the Internet and since I never pass on an opportunity to express my opinion, I'm going to play along.

1. Dave and I have a long-standing feud over cheese in a can. He thinks it's food of The Gods while I think it's probably Of The Devil. Your take? I have three loves in my life. If you're thinking my three kids you'd be sorta wrong. It's cheese, olives and wine. It's no coincidence that the Supermarket Powers That Be put these three lovelies near each other in the market. It's so us drunkards connoisseurs don't have to travel far to get our fix. Therefore, it's no wonder that aerosol cheese is located near things like beef jerky, Ding Dongs and Doritos. I'm not saying The Daver is a stoner, but ... nevermind.
2. Is there any way you can think of to make the elder Gosselins go away? I AM ALL EARS. I might know a few guys from Chicago (wink, wink). While we're at it, that kid of theirs with the braces needs some time in the corner. Like wet knees kneeling on rock salt for an hour kind of time.
3. Who is your ridiculous "I can't admit this to anyone in polite company lest I be banned from life" crush? All my future ex-husbands are imaginary and I am proud of each and every one of them, especially Mike Rowe. I've got a dirty job for him. In fact, it's filthy.
4. If you could fuck it all and pursue your dream (assuming, of course, you were going to be GOOD at it), what would that dream be? I hear that Balloon Animal job at Chevy's is pretty sweet. That, or an artist (the writing and painting kind).
5. They say "living well is the best revenge." I think they are wrong. Do you? No. I'd say the best revenge is a hot poker in the eye.
6. What is the most humiliation you've experienced in public that you'd be willing to admit to The Internet? So many to choose from. I'm sure there's a few I wasn't supposed to get my period until next week stories. A few more involving too much tequila and too little clothing. Maybe it was the time I was bouncing walking to work in a beautiful buttoned up red silk blouse. Everybody kept smiling and waiving at me and I thought to myself, whoever said that people in The City weren't friendly didn't know what the hell they were talking about! That is until I got to work, checked my lipstick in the mirror and realized that all that friendliness was due to the fact that my 38DDs, encased in a sheer bra, had made a great escape.
7. Are you honest with The Internet? Like, if I came over to your house tonight (heh) (I'm coming over, yo) would I be surprised at who I found? I only lie when answering questionnaires.
8. If you could have one talent that you don't currently possess, what would it be? Hmmmm.... knowing how to make the world's best cheesecake wouldn't be too bad of a talent to have. Being a contortionist also holds some appeal.
9. There's not always room for Jello. Is there? Shudder. Dry Heave. Repeat.
10. What's your guiltiest of the guilty pleasures? Does masturbation count? Does it count more if I'm Catholic?