Miranda? That's a Whore's Name!

You've watched Nickelodeon, admit it. Whether you have kids like me or grow pot for the Cannabis Club like my dad, you've seen it. And you've liked it. At least some of it.

But for this post to make any sense, let's hold hands as we take a trip back in time to the 90s . . .

The Spice Girls were telling you what they wanted, what they really really wanted. You had a favorite scrunchy and lots of Lycra in your closet. You got drunk on Jello Shots and woke up with a Sonic the Hedgehog tattoo. Okay, maybe not. So it's 1997 and Legal isn't legal and she loves her some Nickelodeon. Shows like Angry Beavers (my nickname in high school), Keenan & Kel, CatDog. And the best show is Figure It Out.

Figure It Out was a game show hosted by the always sporty Summer Sanders. Summer was forever tan, forever blond and had that Of Course I Don't Masturbate look about her. Actually, she reminds me a lot of Miss Perceived except for that whole masturbation thing.

Anyway, the show was pretty straight forward. Basically, some kid would have a talent or skill of some sort (like making paper out of dryer lint) and the Nick panelists would have to Figure It Out. And there was Secret Slime Action. And that's as dirty as it got.

Fast forward to today's Nickelodeon and we have this minx from iCarly:

Please stop yelling at me because I'm not saying this girl is dirty, I'm just saying she could be. And her name is Miranda which we all know is a whore's name.

And here she is clearly high on ecstasy:

If you need more evidence that Nickelodeon and their centerfold iCarly (aka Miranda the Whore) is really a covert operation to sneak just a bit o' porn into your living room, there is their awards show episode where Carly (aka Miranda the Whore) wears a thigh skimming red silky strapless number and black fingerless gloves (aka whore gloves); a chubby kid with a tuxedo vest on and not much else is handing out awards and a team of bare chested European swimsuit models are sporting speedos and dancing around to the Euro-Techno-Did-I-Mention-I-Like-Fisting songs made popular in the bath houses of Northern California.

And then there is this guy who won an award for Most Interesting Yet Frightening Tongue of All Time. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you ... Tongue Boy ...

I Heart Porn

Me and porn are old friends. We go way back. Way back to when I was seven years old and found a hand drawn comic buried in the sand dunes of a San Francisco beach. Turned out to be porn; gay porn. God, I wish I still had that book! I'd take it to the Antiques Roadshow for televised appraisal. My beloved vintage gay porn nestled between antique farm tools and art deco vases. Heavy sigh.

My Highway of Porn led to cutting class in high school to watch Marilyn Chambers get pleasured by nuns and three trapeze artists in Behind the Green Door. Brazen teenagers, watching the classics, drinking Brass Monkey while the guys shifted uncomfortably on the couch, pillows over their laps. Good times.

But then there was that unexpected detour when I stumbled upon something that can only be described as Disney Porn. The Little Mermaid with that mop of a sheep dog; Cinderella and her hatchet-faced step-sisters; Beauty and the Beast. It got me thinking of what that loud-mouthed, bossy little bitch Dora would look like in full Dominatrix gear. Her and her sex slave monkey, Boots. Those were dark times, my friends. Dark times.

There were other pornographic pit stops, too. Like the time when I became fascinated with porn magazines. One magazine came with a poster of four women having a picnic and buttering each other's biscuits, so to speak. I promptly hung this in my hallway and glued googly eyes on all of the girls. I thought it was hysterical. My Grandpa (who stopped by unexpectedly) did not. Then there was the time I considered selling my panties on Craig's List under the name Kitty Litter. Or the time I wanted to dust off my thigh high boots and latex catsuit, march my way over to the local Internet Porn Distributor and demand a job. Maybe something in Human Resources ("Give me your filthy timecard, Pig Boy!"). These dreams of adult-industry fame and fortune lay dormant... unfulfilled.

And now I find myself obsessed with the Sundance Channel's Green Porno. It stars the gorgeous Isabella Rossellini.  Who has gone from this:

To this:

Green Porno is a series of short films dedicated to the mating habits and reproductive lives of insects and marine life -- spiders, snails, whales and then some. In the film, Why Vagina, Madame Rossellini casually walks around a virtual forest of erect paper penises, explaining how our vaginas are species-specific so that us ladies won't accidentally get screwed by a bear. Clearly she hasn't come across German porn or spent any time trolling the Internet's vast collection of woman vs. farm animal. Nonetheless, I will happily give up three minutes of my day to watch her dressed as a hermaphroditic earthworm or simulate sex with a snail. Foam, fabric and wild kingdom orgasms. My new fetish.