Saturday, July 11, 2009

Because a Twin Bed and a Bus Pass Just Ain't Good Enough

While patrolling the local cable networks for soft core porn educational programs for the tots, I happened across a show that displayed the most undeserving and wretched pock-marked urchins I've ever seen.

Their tag line:
Ordinary teens who live in extraordinary homes that are designed with them in mind.


These asshole parents have tricked out their homes with the sole purpose of keeping their asshole kids happy. Indoor treehouses, palatial backyard waterparks, private nightclubs ('cause who doesn't want the legal responsibility of that!), full-court gymnasiums, aquariums the size of my bedroom and of course ... top of the line rides because Baby Boy needs a place to take his "dates" once he's dosed them. Know how I keep my kids happy? I pretend not to notice when Sage steals my underwear; I let Max eat nothing but carbs for five days straight; and Harlowe.... Harlowe's happiest days are when she's cruising Costco's aisles in search of free samples ("Suck in your tummy honey so you get two").

Don't get me wrong. If these kids were pimped out by Disney or busted their asses while simultaneously losing their spleen winning the X-Games, I wouldn't mind in the least. I'm not a hater. But the only thing these kids ever did was find their way out of some woman's uterus (and even that wasn't a solo mission) and into the hands of adults who have clearly lost their minds. These are the little Demi-Gods that will turn into the adults that share college classrooms, social spaces and work places with our kids -- kids who like public swimming pools and are okay getting their jeans at Old Navy. 

So my recommendation: Don't watch this show while intoxicated and cuddling your favorite 12 gauge, double-barreled pump action shotgun unless you have TVs to spare and no outstanding warrants.

No comments: