Aunt Becky Asked What?!

Maybe you know her as Aunt Becky. Maybe you know her as Mommy Wants Vodka. Maybe you don't know her at all which sucks for you.

Anyhell, Aunt Becky is interviewing the Internet and since I never pass on an opportunity to express my opinion, I'm going to play along.

1. Dave and I have a long-standing feud over cheese in a can. He thinks it's food of The Gods while I think it's probably Of The Devil. Your take? I have three loves in my life. If you're thinking my three kids you'd be sorta wrong. It's cheese, olives and wine. It's no coincidence that the Supermarket Powers That Be put these three lovelies near each other in the market. It's so us drunkards connoisseurs don't have to travel far to get our fix. Therefore, it's no wonder that aerosol cheese is located near things like beef jerky, Ding Dongs and Doritos. I'm not saying The Daver is a stoner, but ... nevermind.
2. Is there any way you can think of to make the elder Gosselins go away? I AM ALL EARS. I might know a few guys from Chicago (wink, wink). While we're at it, that kid of theirs with the braces needs some time in the corner. Like wet knees kneeling on rock salt for an hour kind of time.
3. Who is your ridiculous "I can't admit this to anyone in polite company lest I be banned from life" crush? All my future ex-husbands are imaginary and I am proud of each and every one of them, especially Mike Rowe. I've got a dirty job for him. In fact, it's filthy.
4. If you could fuck it all and pursue your dream (assuming, of course, you were going to be GOOD at it), what would that dream be? I hear that Balloon Animal job at Chevy's is pretty sweet. That, or an artist (the writing and painting kind).
5. They say "living well is the best revenge." I think they are wrong. Do you? No. I'd say the best revenge is a hot poker in the eye.
6. What is the most humiliation you've experienced in public that you'd be willing to admit to The Internet? So many to choose from. I'm sure there's a few I wasn't supposed to get my period until next week stories. A few more involving too much tequila and too little clothing. Maybe it was the time I was bouncing walking to work in a beautiful buttoned up red silk blouse. Everybody kept smiling and waiving at me and I thought to myself, whoever said that people in The City weren't friendly didn't know what the hell they were talking about! That is until I got to work, checked my lipstick in the mirror and realized that all that friendliness was due to the fact that my 38DDs, encased in a sheer bra, had made a great escape.
7. Are you honest with The Internet? Like, if I came over to your house tonight (heh) (I'm coming over, yo) would I be surprised at who I found? I only lie when answering questionnaires.
8. If you could have one talent that you don't currently possess, what would it be? Hmmmm.... knowing how to make the world's best cheesecake wouldn't be too bad of a talent to have. Being a contortionist also holds some appeal.
9. There's not always room for Jello. Is there? Shudder. Dry Heave. Repeat.
10. What's your guiltiest of the guilty pleasures? Does masturbation count? Does it count more if I'm Catholic?