A Letter from the Edge

Dear Reader,

I think my kids are trying to drive me crazy and I don't mean a little bit batty.  I mean it in the clinical sense -- insane, mental, 51/50. I haven't found any "real" evidence just yet. No blueprints of their grand scheme shoved under their mattress. No diary entries detailing their diabolical mission. They are way to smart to leave a paper trail. Sure they might look innocent enough, but I'm on to them. Don't call me paranoid, just hear me out.

There are common psychological torture methods that even a 17, 5 and 4 year old must be aware of, right?  How about sleep deprivation? I don't remember the last time I fell asleep and stayed asleep. I am beyond exhausted. Yesterday, I took a stab at a cat nap.  My 17 year old decided to rummage loudly through my makeup drawer and my 4 year old thought it was a good time to "check her email" by incessantly banging on my keyboard. Of course my mom calls at that very moment (I think she's in on it too) and my daughter tells her I'm asleep. Liar!

And how about the use of sound? Extremely high volumes of noise capable of dynamic range intended to interfere with rest? It worked in Waco and it's working here in my house, too. My kids like to play roller coaster in their room .... at 6:00 AM! I beg them to Please Be Quiet and Shut Your Door, but they're like some third world country prison guard and show me no mercy whatsoever. Ever heard of Constant Chatter?  I'm sure Wikipedia doesn't list it as a form of torture but they should because it is unhinging me. I've never been subjected to Chinese Water Torture but come on, it cannot be more painful than Constant Chatter.

Masterminds, I tell you!  They even have me questioning myself. I'll pick up their room before I go to bed, only to find toys and clothes thrown about in the all-too-early hours of the morning. I'm sure I remember putting everything away .... don't I? And yesterday, Max was so sick with an ear infection and fever that he was crying to go to the doctor's office. When we arrived at Urgent Care his tears were gone, his temperature only slightly elevated and he was playing in the waiting room.  But he was sick just 30 minutes ago .... wasn't he?  I must be losing my mind.

These kids of mine .... they are super-human in their abilities to cause distress. Their bedroom must be some kind of Think Tank where they plot, not play. Maybe there's a secret door that leads to the Legion of Doom that I have yet to discover. Either way, they're out to get me, I just know it!

S.O.S.