I Heart Porn

Me and porn are old friends. We go way back. Way back to when I was seven years old and found a hand drawn comic buried in the sand dunes of a San Francisco beach. Turned out to be porn; gay porn. God, I wish I still had that book! I'd take it to the Antiques Roadshow for televised appraisal. My beloved vintage gay porn nestled between antique farm tools and art deco vases. Heavy sigh.

My Highway of Porn led to cutting class in high school to watch Marilyn Chambers get pleasured by nuns and three trapeze artists in Behind the Green Door. Brazen teenagers, watching the classics, drinking Brass Monkey while the guys shifted uncomfortably on the couch, pillows over their laps. Good times.

But then there was that unexpected detour when I stumbled upon something that can only be described as Disney Porn. The Little Mermaid with that mop of a sheep dog; Cinderella and her hatchet-faced step-sisters; Beauty and the Beast. It got me thinking of what that loud-mouthed, bossy little bitch Dora would look like in full Dominatrix gear. Her and her sex slave monkey, Boots. Those were dark times, my friends. Dark times.

There were other pornographic pit stops, too. Like the time when I became fascinated with porn magazines. One magazine came with a poster of four women having a picnic and buttering each other's biscuits, so to speak. I promptly hung this in my hallway and glued googly eyes on all of the girls. I thought it was hysterical. My Grandpa (who stopped by unexpectedly) did not. Then there was the time I considered selling my panties on Craig's List under the name Kitty Litter. Or the time I wanted to dust off my thigh high boots and latex catsuit, march my way over to the local Internet Porn Distributor and demand a job. Maybe something in Human Resources ("Give me your filthy timecard, Pig Boy!"). These dreams of adult-industry fame and fortune lay dormant... unfulfilled.

And now I find myself obsessed with the Sundance Channel's Green Porno. It stars the gorgeous Isabella Rossellini.  Who has gone from this:

To this:

Green Porno is a series of short films dedicated to the mating habits and reproductive lives of insects and marine life -- spiders, snails, whales and then some. In the film, Why Vagina, Madame Rossellini casually walks around a virtual forest of erect paper penises, explaining how our vaginas are species-specific so that us ladies won't accidentally get screwed by a bear. Clearly she hasn't come across German porn or spent any time trolling the Internet's vast collection of woman vs. farm animal. Nonetheless, I will happily give up three minutes of my day to watch her dressed as a hermaphroditic earthworm or simulate sex with a snail. Foam, fabric and wild kingdom orgasms. My new fetish.