Tuesday, February 9, 2010

How I Could Just Kill A Man

When my family and I moved from San Francisco's Mission District, part of the reason (other than not being able to afford little things like food and rent) was to live in a neighborhood where the kids could play outside and the schools had actual text books -- to basically live a better life. Maybe Legal would finish high school and find a boyfriend that wasn't cloaked in red from head to toe and didn't have a record. Maybe we wouldn't have a crazy neighbor that would routinely call the police on us with claims that we were dragging dead bodies across the floor and throwing pots of piss at her door. Maybe Seltar would get a job where the work was consistent and the boss wasn't high on Oxycontin. Dream a little dream ......

So we made the move and from that very first night things were better. Much better.

We moved into a nice community of townhouses with a pool and a skatepark around the corner and an elementary school a short walk away. Seltar's job was a perfect fit. Neighbors actually introduced themselves and everybody was very friendly and even the UPS driver would bring lollipops for the kids every time he made a delivery. At first I thought this behavior was more Dateline Predator than genuine kindness, but then I relaxed a bit. Everybody moved a whole lot slower than they did in The City and it appeared that nobody here knew how to use a goddamn horn. All of these things took some getting used to. But life was good and the neighborhood was great. You didn't have to worry about wearing red on 16th Street or wearing blue on 24th.

Then Seltar passed and things got dark again. And there I sat for awhile but not too long. At some point, you start to shower regularly again and dinner becomes more than just semi-cooked rigatoni or a pizza delivered by a pimpled face boy that knows your whole family on a first name basis because he's ringing your doorbell four times a week.

But now my safe and quiet neighborhood is looking more like a scene from something John Singleton would direct. Okay, maybe not that hood. But something close, where close means not really close at all. But still, not what I signed up for. These are the suburbs, dammit!

First there was The Mother's Day Street Brawl of 2009. Then The Boy did a little shoplifting, Miss Perceived robbed a grave, undercover cops made a bust right outside my house (turns out the guy robbed the gas station around the corner) and our car was stolen, recovered and then broken into again.

The Fuck, right?

But wait ... there's more! Some random FuckNut tried to break into the vacant townhouse that is located right across from mine, by breaking out the entire two front windows. It wasn't even the hour when you would expect this type of shit. It was only 9 o'clock! I know that when I used to break into empty houses to steal microwaves and paint thinner, I wouldn't make my move until at least two in the morning. I'm Ninja like that.

Lastly, my daughter was at the local library trying to use the computer so she can get a motherfucking job and put to rest my constant bickering, when some sick fuck pedophile slithered into the teen area of the library and started jerking off.

But fear not readers because Miss Spoken has got herself a plan and it looks a little like this:

Masturbate in front of my kid again and I will chop, cripple and mutilate beyond recognition and no jury in Nevada will convict me.

9 comments:

Wicked Shawn said...

What. The. Fuck. Who opened the flood gates to your sleepy little burb and let the freaks in, girly?

Rebecca said...

We moved for many of the same reasons....we lived in an area that makes the hood look like Sesame Street!

We now live in a much nicer neighborhood but boy does it worry me, just with the way things change. I pray nightly that the hood doesn't follow us out here and that God protects my family.

And I completely agree with you...no jury anywhere would convict you! I know I wouldn't!

Miss Spoken said...

@Wicked Shawn - I know, right? I'm guessing it's you but I'm probably still hallucinating from BugginWord's cake.

@Rebecca - I'll pay you a dozen cupcakes and a bottle of Grey Goose if you'll please be on my jury ... or at least sleep with the foreman.....

legal high reviews said...

We now live in a much nicer neighborhood but boy does it worry me, just with the way things change. I pray nightly that the hood doesn't follow us out here and that God protects my family.

bonanza jellybean said...

That pisses me off. I had some pervert come up to me when I was about 12 with nothing on but sandals. I try not to think about what could have happened. I hope legal is ok. And I hope the slithering douchebag was caught on some cctv in the library...asshole

Elly Lou said...

I had cake for breakfast so expect more weird shit.

But for cereal?!? You made my jaw drop. I don't do that much for fear of people inserting inappropriate things but I was THAT SHOCKED. Ew. Pookie. For reals. Come move to Jersey where there's no corruption or inappropriate behavior ever, just ass tons of snow.

Miss Spoken said...

@Bonanza Jellybean - You say he was only wearing sandals/ I think I know that guy ...

@Elly Lou - You had me at "cake for breakfast."

Meg at the Members Lounge said...

Sadly, pervs have been around even since my middle aged ass days. Now they use places we thought of as safe for kids, and now we must inform the innocent ones that crap lurks around the corner.

If you can't arm yourself with some mace, consider hairspray. It works like a charm. And then go all Jodie Foster.

Forgotten said...

I feel your pain. Virginia Sexual Predator website pointed out that my neighbor directly across from the house I just moved into in December is habitated by a rapist. I started keeping a sharp ass knife in the nightstand directly beside my bed and a few other carefully placed objects within my reach in other rooms.

And I've never even had to deal with the shitstorm you've got going on there. I say, move to my area...not necessarily too close to me but around here they're scattered everywhere so they're kinda hard to avoid completely. People don't think twice about a big gun proudly displayed in your truck window in this area...

Ok, my word verification is inter...creepy.