Thursday, October 8, 2009

There's a cat in a bag in a hole in the ground and the green grass grows all around, all around...

Once upon a time, there was a boy cat named Dingy. Dingy was loved very much by his family, Miss Perceived and The Regulator. Dingy loved them, too. But Dingy had room in his heart ... he had more love to give.

You see kids, when Dingy was a kitten, he discovered his very own nipple. Dingy fell in love with this nipple and would spend entire afternoons sucking his nipple, laughing at its jokes and calling it sweetheart. Dingy's nipple grew and grew from the love. Like an inch. Miss Perceived was proud of this love and shared it with the world. When friends came to visit, she would greet them with her Cheshire smile and say, "Come in ya'll! Come see my cat suck his own nipple!" And there in the corner of this love shack, Dingy could be found, curled into a ball and loving his nipple; curled into a ball because his nipple was placed in a not so convenient place which made loving it hard. But relationships take work, right? "Isn't he just the cat's meow?" she would say. 

Like the flocks of zealots who travel to see the image of Jesus Christ in the shadows of a tree trunk, people came from far and wide to see for themselves this cat named Dingy who loved his nipple. 

But then something terrible happened.

One day when Miss Spoken was drinking beer making sand castles in Santa Barbara, Miss Perceived heard a howl and then watched as Dingy seized up and died. This left Miss Perceived sad. The kind of sad that makes you not wear makeup which is a big deal for Miss Perceived who likes makeup very much. And this wasn't a good time for Miss Perceived to be sad because her mother was moving out of state and Miss Perceived was busy packing. And Miss Perceived's mom had a lot of collections to be packed. Like her collection of Kleenex, lamps, suckers, canned goods from 1991 and pens with no ink. I'm not saying she was a hoarder or anything, I'm just sayin' ...

Anyway, Miss Perceived hadn't sold any of her panties online yet and so she was strapped for cash and didn't have the means to give Dingy and his nipple a proper burial. So she called Puppet Boy and together they put Dingy in a bag and put him in a hole in the ground. In the front yard. Which is by no means private. Not even a fence.

Then late last night, with a storm raging and the winds blowing, there was a knock at my door. And there they were ... Miss Perceived and The Regulator. But why did she look so crazed? And why was she holding a shovel? And why was she wearing a cloak?

"Will you watch The Regulator for a few minutes?"

"Sure! Is everything okay?"

"Huh? Oh ... yeah. I just gotta go dig up Dingy."

**Thunder cracks and lightening splits the sky**

Okay, maybe it was four o'clock in the afternoon  and 69 degrees outside. And maybe she didn't have a shovel. And it might not have been a cloak but a pink t-shirt that said Princess. But she was going to go dig up her dead cat.

Prior to the excavation, aka grave digging, Miss Perceived called the Kitty Crematorium and explained her situation. Which now has made her the most popular girl there and everybody knows her by name. And Miss Spoken never knows when she might have to move a body and it's good to know that Miss Perceived can help her. Because, as Dionne Warwick would say, that's what friends are for.

But hold on to your crackers kiddies because here's the best part of this tale.

Miss Perceived is a busy lady. She has things to do. So before she goes to the Kitty Crematorium, she has to stop by Wal*Mart, go to the post office and of course, The Regulator needs to go to Jump Man Jump for an hour or so.

Where is Dingy and his nipple, you ask?

Oh .... in the back of her mini van.

RIP Dingy ... I mean, you know... as soon as you're buried again and all.

The End.


Miss Perceived said...

Oh the sweet lady in my life that I truly made me laugh til I cried-"laughter through tears is my favorite emotion". I love you Miss Spoken and I know that Dingy and his nipple are feeling very loved and missed :) You rock

Miss Spoken said...

Miss Perceived,

There is no higher compliment than you laughing and crying, except maybe you laughing and pissing your pants. And when you do, don't forget to sell them. "Pissed On Panties" have a super high market value.


Miss Spoken