Did I ever tell you guys that Babbleville has a Town Trollop? And did I mention that she lives just a couple of houses down from Miss Perceived and I? She sure does. And guess what?
We hate her. And it's a Fill a Sock With Quarters and Beat the Slut Out of Her kind of hate.
Here's the back story. Town Trollop is somewhere in her 20s and has three kids - Blondie (10), Punk Ass (11?) and the Girl Who Never Wears Shoes (2). Miss Perceived and I got to know them over the summer because Blondie and Punk Ass were left alone all day to wander the streets of Babbleville looking for food, friends and in Punk Ass's case, things to burn.
Punk Ass looks like he came from the Village of the Damned, is supposed to be medicated for ADHD and has some "anger management" issues which seem to increase the longer he goes without meds which is always because Town Trollop doesn't see to it that he takes them. She admittedly "gave him" to his Dad because he's so out of control. Oh, and did I mention that I walked in on Punk Ass taking a shit in my personal bathroom? Uggh....
The Girl Who Never Wears Shoes is dirty, whiny and always on Blondie's hip. I saw Blondie once strolling her sister at 7:30 in the morning by herself. I suppose it's good practice for Blondie because once she hits puberty and the boys start to pay her some much craved attention, I'm betting Town Trollop won't be there to help her and she'll find herself knocked up and waiting in line to redeem her WIC vouchers. I hope not, but you know how it goes.
Oh, and they have a black cat named Jig. Which is short for Jiggaboo. Which makes Town Trollop a slut and an asshole.
So, Miss Perceived and I were sort of forced to keep and eye on and feed Blondie and Punk Ass over the summer because they'd show up at the pool, and they'd come over when we weren't at the pool and because we like Blondie and because we are responsible adults when we're not sipping vodka in the morning. Fortunately, Punk Ass is now back with his Dad for the school year so I can stop hiding the matches and taking inventory after he leaves my house. And I can use my bathroom without the fear of walking in on some pale, demonic looking kid cupping his penis and crapping in my toilet.
But the drama continues. Because Town Trollop likes to tell stories about the men she meets online. Like the guy who pretended to get a call from his father and then pretended he was at the hospital and then left her at his house hoping she would leave. Which she didn't do until many, many hours later. After she took a nap. And when I joked about whether or not she went through his drawers to "look for a pen," she laughed and said, "I know, right?! Like, I found a bunch of money! I could have totally taken in. And I've been calling him all morning but he hasn't called me back. Crazy, right?!" Riiigghht.
And how she sometimes puts her kids to bed and then leaves to go to the gym. At ten o'clock at night.
And would I like to watch her kids for $100 a week. Ummm..... hell no. And aren't Miss Perceived and I already doing it for free?
And our hate for this chick escalates as Blondie explains that her mom has said that she's going to start food shopping so Blondie can have a fucking Pop Tart for breakfast before school. And because Knock, Knock .... Can I borrow a pencil because my mom didn't buy me any and I need to do my homework. Blondie also comes to my house every morning before school and walks with the kids and I which is fine by me. Except that I have to hear stories about her fucking mother. Like the time I was dressing the kids and she asked to use a hairbrush because Town Trollop and her stayed at her boyfriend's house overnight which is about two hours away and Blondie had to get up at 5:30 and didn't have time to do her hair.
But what's really got me pissed, is that Blondie has been asking me to sign her homework for her. Because her mother doesn't have time. And today, she asked me to sign her Progress Report. JeezusChrist! After I inhaled deeply, bit a hole in my cheek and then pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes so as not to tell this little girl that I thought her mother should have a hysterectomy; that I thought her mother was setting her up for total failure; that when I saw her mother I was going to pull out that sock full of quarters.
But I didn't say any of that out loud. What I said was that I was uncomfortable signing the report. That her grades were awesome (all As and Bs) and that her mom should really see this to which she replied once again that her mom was busy. So I signed it.
But I'll be stopping by Town Trollop's house tonight. I'll leave that sock full of quarters home because as far as I know, there's no Wi-Fi in county jail.