You've watched Nickelodeon, admit it. Whether you have kids like me or grow pot for the Cannabis Club like my dad, you've seen it. And you've liked it. At least some of it.
But for this post to make any sense, let's hold hands as we take a trip back in time to the 90s . . .
The Spice Girls were telling you what they wanted, what they really really wanted. You had a favorite scrunchy and lots of Lycra in your closet. You got drunk on Jello Shots and woke up with a Sonic the Hedgehog tattoo. Okay, maybe not. So it's 1997 and Legal isn't legal and she loves her some Nickelodeon. Shows like Angry Beavers (my nickname in high school), Keenan & Kel, CatDog. And the best show is Figure It Out.
Figure It Out was a game show hosted by the always sporty Summer Sanders. Summer was forever tan, forever blond and had that Of Course I Don't Masturbate look about her. Actually, she reminds me a lot of Miss Perceived except for that whole masturbation thing.
Anyway, the show was pretty straight forward. Basically, some kid would have a talent or skill of some sort (like making paper out of dryer lint) and the Nick panelists would have to Figure It Out. And there was Secret Slime Action. And that's as dirty as it got.
Please stop yelling at me because I'm not saying this girl is dirty, I'm just saying she could be. And her name is Miranda which we all know is a whore's name.
And here she is clearly high on ecstasy:
If you need more evidence that Nickelodeon and their centerfold iCarly (aka Miranda the Whore) is really a covert operation to sneak just a bit o' porn into your living room, there is their awards show episode where Carly (aka Miranda the Whore) wears a thigh skimming red silky strapless number and black fingerless gloves (aka whore gloves); a chubby kid with a tuxedo vest on and not much else is handing out awards and a team of bare chested European swimsuit models are sporting speedos and dancing around to the Euro-Techno-Did-I-Mention-I-Like-Fisting songs made popular in the bath houses of Northern California.
And then there is this guy who won an award for Most Interesting Yet Frightening Tongue of All Time. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you ... Tongue Boy ...