Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Fuck You EliSSSabeth

Miss Spoken was just sitting there, minding her own business; innocently rolling around naked in a batch of towels plucked fresh from the dryer when her regularly scheduled program was interrupted. Interrupted by Balloon Boy and his Media-Whoring Family of FuckNuts.

But Miss Spoken didn't know at the time that they were Media-Whoring FuckNuts. So Miss Spoke was captivated and sad and asked Legal to come sit with her and watch the horror unfold.

Because Miss Spoken has a son, The Boy. And The Boy is also six. And Miss Spoken can't help but look at this Jiffy Pop balloon, soaring 10'000 feet above the ground, spinning and tilting and she's picturing The Boy inside and it makes her stomach hurt.

She is sure this will end tragically. And then the news lady who knows nothing and speculates everything says that they think Balloon Boy fell out somewhere. And now Miss Spoken is held hostage by her television and Balloon Boy, who isn't her son but could be. And so she watches until she can't take it anymore.

But now it looks like it was all a stunt. Not just a hoax, but something more vile. A means to get on TV and pimp your family. This makes Miss Spoken very angry. And then Elisabeth Hasselbeck (aka Fuck You EliSSSabeth) has the nerve to say that "this is what we deserved." Miss Spoken, who detests Elisabeth, knows exactly what she deserves. She deserves to have her fallopian tubes incinerated. She deserves to have her mouth stitched shut. She deserves a bitch slap. She deserves a BFF like Sarah Palin.

Miss Spoken can dish a joke and she can take one too. But this is not funny. Know what else isn't funny? Dry birth and rectal drip. Unless it happens to Fuck You EliSSSabeth and then Miss Spoken would laugh until her bladder dribbled.


Kristen said...

I'm tired of all this balloon boy bullshit. Seriously. I hope their balloon pops.

Jessica said...

I gave you a blog award. You can find it here:


Meg at the Members Lounge said...

Miss Spoken, I am SOOO happy to share your hatred of EliaSSabeth as well! She is beyond obnoxious.

And seriously, the kids were barfing on morning TV and Diane Sawyer had to tell them take it to the bathroom? Yeah, I think the Heene's pissed off a lot of people, me included.