Miss Spoken has a super sexy exciting life.
Mostly she shuttles her kids to and from school and begs her 18 year old to get up and do something. She gets her 21st century house-slave on by hosting Sunday dinners with the clan and she talks about distributing chores amongst her brood via a Super Elaborate But Easy to Follow Chore Chart but can't find one she likes. She pays bills online (cause she's savvy like that) and she blogs online (because blogging offline is stupid). She drinks coffee. She consumes wine. Sometimes she takes trips that don't involve Wal*Mart. One time she got drunk at a Busdriver show. She threw up the next morning.
Don't cry for her, Innernetterz, because this is the super sexy part.
Miss Spoken has lots of fake boyfriends and future ex-husbands that live inside her shattered mind and vacant vagina. Don't worry, this is safe sexy. No restraining orders this time. No stealing their puppy then taking photos of it wrapped in duct tape then demanding a bit of the ol' slap and tickle in exchange for its safe return. Miss Spoken knows they are just pretend boyfriends. Unless she forgets to take her blue pill and then they are soooo real.
Here's the lineup:
Mike Rowe. Because he's dirty and has a job. A Dirty Job. And his voice makes her panties fall off. Like magic. Dirty magic.
Vince Vaughn. Cause Miss Spoken likes a scrapper. And a man with a record.
Sherilyn Fenn. Okay, she's clearly not a boy. But she's soft and pretty and probably smells like jasmine and did you not see Boxing Helena?!
Henry Rollins. Two words: Black Flag
Just kidding. Miss Spoken is crazy, not c.r.a.z.y.
Now it's your turn. Spill it Innernetterz. Who's your fake boyfriend/girlfriend/future witness for the prosecution?